


Something Real

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fluff, Introspection, Kissing, Kyo gets to be kinda wingman for once, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Non-Chronological, POV Alternating, Past Kyo/Original Female Character, Reflection, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-10-21 11:20:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17641796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: “I know we don’t often talk about our private lives,” Shinya began somewhat abruptly, “but I trust you, and I think I need some help.”Kyo couldn’t very well disguise his surprise. Shinya was coming to him for romance tips? What could have possibly made the poor guy think that was a good idea?





	1. Wednesday

**Author's Note:**

> This is another kind of experimental story. It's not about Die and Kyo falling in love (whaaaat), and the chapters are going to sort of alternate between Kyo's experiences and Shinya's (which is not something I'm used to), meaning the timeline is a little bit wonky, and there's a lot of flashbacks and remembering, so. Yeah, hopefully it's still easy enough to follow.  
> I'm not expecting it to be *super* long, but there will be a few more chapters after this, at least. Rating will go up I think chapter 3.

Kyo remembered everything about his ex.

He remembered the way she carried her weight on the balls of her feet when she walked. He remembered how her voice sounded when she said his name. He remembered every perfectly curved line of her body, softer than she had any right to be, built exactly to fit against him.

He hadn’t seen or even spoken to her in over three years, and yet he could remember her scent like it was a data file saved permanently to his mental harddrive, impossible to erase. At times he still caught that scent on the air, and it would take him a solid minute to realize she wasn’t there with him.

And it wasn’t just her perfume, something he could write off as being worn by other girls, no, it was her unique smell, everything that combined to be her—her soap, her sweat, her arousal—all of it, more clearly memorized than his own lyrics.

It wasn’t that he was trying to remember her. Nothing in him wanted to preserve that memory. He didn’t want the memory of her tight, self-conscious smile—all teeth that were too small even for her narrow mouth—any more than he wanted the memory of finding that pair of another man’s boxers in her bed.

To her credit, Kyo supposed, she never denied cheating on him. She’d simply shrugged it off, said that Kyo was _difficult_ , too much _work_ , that she couldn’t be in love with someone who was so _sad_.

He understood that in a way. He didn’t blame her. He wouldn’t have loved him either.

But all this time later he could still remember how it felt to have his hands tangled in her long hair. She never cut it, and it hung pin-straight down to her waist. Kyo knew she kept it so long out of a paranoia that she would someday go bald. Her hair was very fine, thin enough that her scalp was visible here and there, but Kyo had always kissed the top of her head, told her reassuringly he was sure she’d never lose her hair. Privately, he’d always thought she certainly would, sooner or later.

The fact was though, that hadn’t mattered to him in the least. He’d loved her, and he couldn’t have cared if she’d been as bald as an egg. She was beautiful, and his, and he’d been loyal to her to the end. She obviously hadn’t felt the same way.

A cup of coffee appeared on the table in front of Kyo, pulling him from his reminiscing. He looked up to see Die standing there.

“Seemed like you needed it,” Die said with a shrug.

“Usually do,” Kyo agreed, picking up the cup. “Thanks.”

Die just nodded, his face split in a broad grin. So different from Kyo’s ex’s smile.

Basically everything about Die was different from Kyo’s ex. He was almost as unlike her as it was possible for him to be, so much that Kyo couldn’t _not_ notice it.

That is not to say that that was _why_ he was in love with Die. That truly had nothing to do with anyone other than Die himself. Kyo was sure he’d fallen for Die on some chemical, maybe molecular, level; his creativity, his energy, whatever imperceptible elements there were that made Die who he was.

It had been only four days since Kyo had actually confessed his feelings to Die himself, and already he was wondering whether he ought to regret it.

Die hadn’t taken it badly, not that Kyo had really expected him to. He was aware that Die had friends from every possible point on the spectrum of sexuality, and would have been more surprised if Die had reacted with any kind of open disgust or discomfort.

Instead, he had just looked a bit stunned, and said, “Oh.”

At that point, Kyo had been too mortified to let the conversation drag on, so he’d cranked out a long stream of words about how he wasn’t asking for anything, and didn’t want it to change things between them, and he’d merely wanted to be honest about his feelings. Then he’d taken off without giving Die a chance to say much else.

And so, things between them really _hadn’t_ changed. Die didn’t act awkward around him, didn’t avoid him. It was almost as if Kyo hadn’t said anything at all, and yet he _knew_ that Die had this _knowledge_ about him, that he might very well have an opinion on the matter that he hadn’t shared, and that thought made Kyo profoundly uncomfortable. He knew he couldn’t literally take back his love confession, but he kind of wished he could.

He sat through the band meeting holding his coffee in both hands. He tried to steer his mind away from the comparisons between Die and his ex, but he was just so _aware_ of every difference. Kyo watched Die make some comment, his voice low and thoughtful, his arms crossed casually over his chest. It was humble and patient, a posture perhaps borne of anxiety, but more so of respect for his colleagues.

Kyo remembered an argument he’d had with his ex, near enough to the end that he probably should have seen that finale coming.

It hadn’t started as an argument. Kyo hadn’t wanted it to turn into one, and yet as he’d stood there, trying to explain how hurt he’d been by something she’d done, she had rolled her eyes, not even feigning interest. When he’d paused so she could tell her side, she had glanced at her phone and said, “Can I go now?”

Sure, in retrospect, Kyo thought he should have seen what a precarious relationship it was much earlier. At the time, he’d only been able to stare at her in disbelief. 

“Do you… actually respect me, as a person? At all?”

She had shrugged, rather like a petulant teenager. “Somewhat.”

Die’s laugh brought him back to the present, that _giggle_ , a sound like machinery that needed to be oiled. On anyone else Kyo thought it would have been unattractive, but as Die sat there, tucked his perfect hair back behind his ear, Kyo could only find it charming. He wished he had caught what it was that had made him laugh, that he could recreate it, get Die to laugh again, for _him_.

Fortunately Die’s laughter wasn’t something in short supply. Kyo never had to wait long.

Despite his lingering concerns that Die might be withholding some of his reactions to Kyo’s feelings for him, Kyo found he enjoyed just observing Die more than he liked the incessant comparing and remembering his mind was prone to. He could have spent the whole day just watching Die, admiring him and appreciating him. By the time the meeting was ending, Kyo was almost disappointed that he wouldn’t get to look at him any longer.

To his surprise, Die came over as everyone was leaving after the meeting. Kyo looked up from his phone and his heart skipped a beat when he found Die once more smiling at him.

“What’s up?” Die said, apparently not smiling at him for any particular reason.

“Not much. Meeting finished,” Kyo said. “Thanks again for the coffee.” He started tapping out a response to a message on his phone, finding it easier than looking at Die when he was looking back.

“Anytime,” Die said. Then, “Who’re you textin’?”

“Yuchi. He was asking about the madaraningen pop-up shop.”

“Hmm.”

Kyo’s eyes flicked up to Die and there was a strange look on his face. “What?”

Die shook his head. “Nothing.”

It wasn’t convincing. Die was a bad liar. Unbidden, Kyo’s mind went to his ex. By the time he found out, she had already been cheating on him for five months. She was an excellent liar.

“Why are you making that face?” Kyo pressed. “The pop-up shop?”

“No, no,” Die said quickly. “It’s seriously nothing.”

Kyo sighed. “Look, I’m not trying to say you _owe_ me anything, but since I told you my feelings… y’know. I’m a little on edge when I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Die chewed at his lip, looked like he absolutely didn’t want to open up about whatever this was, but after a long pause he closed his eyes. “Yuchi.”

Kyo was no less confused. “What about him?”

“I guess I just feel… whenever you guys are so close, I get kind of… I dunno.”

“You… don’t like Yuchi?” Kyo was perplexed. Yuchi was an incredibly decent person, and in a lot of ways he’d figured he would get along well with Die.

“No, it’s not _that._ ” Die made a frustrated sound. He looked at Kyo seriously. “Okay, fine. I guess with how you two joke, and you tease him about being a ‘beer monster’ and he makes you laugh all the time… I feel jealous, okay?”

Kyo stared at him. “Jealous?”

“How long have you known me, and with all my beer love you don’t give me an affectionate nickname like that!”

“ _You’re_ jealous of _Yuchi_?” Kyo couldn’t process it. Why would Die care about something like that? How could one be jealous when they didn't have feelings for the person in question?

“I know it’s stupid!” Die said, throwing up his hands. “I tried to tell you it was nothing!” He frowned. “Just knowing you guys text—when you basically _never_ text _me_ —I can’t help how it makes me feel.”

Kyo pursed his lips. “I… well, I just told you, like, last week, I’m in love with you…”

“I know,” Die said with a grimace.

“So you and Yuchi aren’t really at the same level… for me.”

“Right.” Die hesitated, looking uncomfortable. “You know, I—” He stopped, ran his tongue over his lips. A dry little chuckle escaped him. “I mean, I assume it’s obvious.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“Ah, shit,” Die said, and raked a hand through his hair. “Okay. You didn’t give me a chance to respond before, but—I love you, too, so—” He gestured with both hands—“there it is.”

Kyo looked at Die’s outstretched hands, as if he were holding something invisible that Kyo was meant to pick up and take from him. But they were empty. Broad and strong and callused from years of guitar-playing, and devoid of any tangible explanation Kyo could accept.

After a long moment Die gave an anxious little exhalation. “Please say something?”

Kyo looked up to his face. “What do you want me to say? You already know how I feel.”

It was clear that Die was nervous. For all his cockiness and swagger out onstage, when it came to personal things like this, Die was… not _timid_ , but _careful_ , and Kyo realized he was holding back, determined not to push anything without Kyo establishing what he wanted.

Another difference from Kyo’s ex. To a degree, he had appreciated her straightforwardness, how blunt she was about what she wanted. But it had also become clear fairly early on in the relationship that what she wanted was _all_ she cared about. What Kyo wanted, or didn’t want, never really factored into it in the end, and so having this much consideration given to his opinion was kind of disorienting.

“Where do you want this to go?” Die asked. He was still holding himself tensely, but he moved a fraction of a centimeter closer to him. “I know you said you didn’t want things between us to change, and I understand that, understand how important the band is and everything…”

Kyo realized dimly that in asking where Kyo wanted it to go, Die was suggesting he wanted it to _go somewhere_.

Die went on, “But knowing you want me, after all this time—I thought you were only interested in women, I swear I thought you were the one out of the five of us to never _look_ at a guy that way—”

“It’s not like I’ve never dated a man,” Kyo said, a little nonplussed by Die’s misreading of him. He’d always thought Shinya was the straight one, though it was possible Die knew something there that he didn’t. While Kyo and Shinya were close, they didn’t generally discuss their private lives.

“You’ve—? When?”

“Years ago,” Kyo admitted. He shifted, tucked his hands in his sweatshirt pockets. “Before…”

He didn’t need to say more. Everyone knew how ugly the breakup had been, that Kyo had gotten very dark and reclusive (more even than usual) in the aftermath. Perhaps that was really why Die would be so sure Kyo wasn’t into men. It might have seemed like he was still hung up on his distinctly female ex.

Kyo didn’t see it that way. He wasn’t _hung up_ on her; he just… _remembered_ her.

And now wasn’t the time to do that.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kyo said. Whether or not he had experience with guys didn’t have a thing to do with it; the fact was that he loved _Die_.

“Well, then,” Die said, “I want to be with you.”

It was the obvious progression of the discussion, but it still caught Kyo off guard. “Why would you want that?”

Die gave him a look. “Don’t be like that. It’s hard enough to say this shit without having to defend it to you.”

Kyo nodded slowly. He still felt disoriented, or like he was watching Die through a glass, not like he was someone real, close enough to touch. He looked around the room, hoping to find something that might ground him, and was surprised to realize they were still standing there by the meeting table. “Okay,” he said.

“Okay?”

Kyo looked back at the nervousness in Die’s face, and much as he felt almost afraid of it, he kind of felt comforted by it at the same time. It wasn’t a look he could remember from his ex. “Yes, okay. I want to be with you, too.”

Die sagged in relief, laughed. “I feel like this conversation has taken years off my life.”

Kyo huffed out a breath, feeling more grounded hearing Die’s laugh. “Hopefully you weren’t really using those anyway.”

Die reached for him and paused. “Is it all right for me to kiss you?”

Again, the consideration. Kyo smiled and met Die halfway, relaxing into it as Die’s hand came up to cup the back of his neck. His mind seemed to crack open, all thought dripping out like egg whites, until all there was was Die kissing him, enveloping and surrounding him. His lips were just rough enough to not be _too_ soft, and there was a spiciness to him, and Kyo found as they parted, Die all bright-eyed and grinning, that he couldn’t remember the taste of his ex’s lips.

“This is probably the wrong place for this,” Kyo whispered, his hands smoothing over Die’s shoulders.

“Probably.”

“I’m free tonight,” Kyo offered.

“I’ll text you?”

“I’ll text back.”

Die laughed at that, kissed Kyo’s cheek once, and then headed out of the room, moving like he knew if he didn’t force himself to go he never would. Fair enough. Kyo still didn’t want him to walk away.

It took another minute for Kyo to get his belongings in order, and to respond to another text from Yuchi, and then he went out as well, closing up the meeting room behind himself.

His brain was pulling him in a dozen different directions as he got into the elevator to take him down to the building’s ground floor. There was joy and fear and bewilderment and something that seemed to be just a repetitive chant of _what the fuck did you just do??_

He was distracted enough that he came very close to crashing into Shinya as he got off the elevator, only narrowly avoiding the collision by balancing on one foot and leaning his whole body to the side.

“Kyo!” Shinya reached out to grip his shoulder, keeping him from toppling over.

“Where are you going?” Kyo asked, righting himself and realizing that Shinya was going the wrong direction. “Back up?”

“I was… looking for you, actually.” Shinya looked a bit embarrassed. “I was waiting for you out here, but I thought you’d be down sooner than you were.”

“Looking for me?” Kyo repeated, confused. “Why?”

“To be honest, I wanted some advice.”

Kyo raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t all that uncommon for Kyo to advise people on certain subjects—his kouhai for example came to him with music-related issues—but Shinya was someone Kyo generally saw as having even more wisdom than him in many cases, and especially coming to him like this was a bit out of character. “What’s going on?”

Shinya looked around the lobby and nodded for Kyo to follow him out of the building. Kyo didn’t argue, and they kept walking until they arrived at a little park down the street, mostly empty in the cold weather, save for an older gentleman sitting and sketching the fountain at the center of the park. Whatever Shinya’s problem was, it would appear that he was seeking some amount of privacy.

They came to a bench off to one side of the park and Shinya stopped, looked at it. He waited for Kyo to sit, and then took a seat as well, leaving a comfortable distance between them.

“I know we don’t often talk about our private lives,” Shinya began somewhat abruptly, “but I trust you, and I think I need some help.”

Kyo couldn’t very well disguise his surprise. Shinya was coming to him for _romance tips_? What could have possibly made the poor guy think that was a good idea? “You… what, want me to play matchmaker? Shin, I don’t think—”

“There’s—No,” Shinya said, shaking his head. “I’m interested in someone. I don’t know how to go about making a move.”

The idea of Shinya struggling to “make a move” on someone was kind of disturbing and endearing simultaneously.

“Still, I don’t know why I would be the right person to help you,” Kyo said.

“Because it’s someone you know,” Shinya said tiredly. He looked Kyo in the eye, his gaze intense behind his huge sunglasses. “Someone you know… _well_.”

Kyo was unsettled by the eye contact almost as much as by the words. “How well?” He suddenly worried. Die had seemed to suggest that Shinya had an interest in men, and here he’d dragged Kyo off to this remote park to confess something. Could it be? The thought made Kyo’s stomach sink. He didn’t want to break Shinya’s heart, not now, not even an hour after the happiness of having his feelings for Die returned. It was too cruel. He took a breath and asked, “It’s not me, is it?”

Shinya’s nose wrinkled immediately. “ _You?!_ No, wow, definitely not.”

Kyo’s relief was short-lived as he tried to think who else Shinya might come to _him_ about, and his mind flitted to his ex. He hadn’t bothered to keep track of her, but it was possible that Shinya could be coming to him seeking some kind of _permission_. The thought of her digging her emotionally manipulative claws in to his dear friend Shinya made Kyo slightly nauseous.

“But,” Shinya interrupted his thoughts, “it _is_ someone from the band.”

Kyo felt like someone was playing badminton with his psyche as the birdie. It would be bruised after the day he was having. _Someone from the band_ … So Shinya was going after a man, after all.

But why would he come to _Kyo_? No one was unaware of his ineptitude when it came to relationships, or his awkwardness when it came to anything personal. Shinya got on just as well with any of the rest of the band, and Kyo was sure he was closer and more comfortable with _Die_ —

And that had to be it. Kyo’s mouth was dry as he let it all process. Kyo was the natural person to come to come to if Shinya couldn’t get advice from Die.

Because Die was the person Shinya was in love with.

Kyo floundered, wondering how to cause Shinya the least pain possible in this impossible situation. “So, you’re—you’re planning on confessing?”

“I’ve been meaning to, for a while now I guess,” Shinya said.

“What’s the rush?” And god, could he think of a few more stupid things to say while he was at it?

Shinya looked confused, as Kyo supposed he was right to. It wasn’t necessarily in Kyo’s nature to put off things he wanted to do, much less to give such advice to someone else. “If he’s going to reject me, my waiting to tell him won’t make that much of a difference. Besides I’d have thought you’d consider honesty to be the best policy.”

“In most cases,” Kyo conceded. “I just don’t want you to get hurt…”

“But I really think there might be something _there_ ,” Shinya said earnestly. He rubbed at his upper arms. “It’s been so long since I’ve felt this for someone, and maybe if I could get the ball rolling…” There was such a bright, hopeful shimmer in Shinya’s eyes, and it only made Kyo feel more sick. “This could be something _real_ , Kyo.”

“I… I want you to have something real,” Kyo said, and he recalled the tingling feeling of Die’s lips on his—wide, slightly chapped, not perfectly unrealistically soft like his ex’s—and he realized he had no idea what to do. His instinct was to protect Shinya. If Shinya wanted Die, Kyo felt he was entitled to him, more worthy of him than he was himself. What had Kyo ever done to deserve that kind of happiness anyway?

Then again, _something real_. Much as he wanted that for Shinya, he wanted it for himself too, and whatever it was with Die, he really thought it could be that…

“Are you sure,” Kyo said, “that it’s a good idea to try and start something—I mean, have you thought how it might impact the band?”

Shinya’s eyes sharpened. “That’s funny coming from you.”

“What?”

“Like you didn’t confess your love for Die, what, last _week_?”

Kyo stared at him helplessly. “You know about that?”

“Die told me." Shinya gave a dismissive shake of his head. “Maybe it even partly inspired me to think it’s time for me to stop sitting on my feelings.”

“What the fuck, Shin?” Kyo said, more bewildered and hurt than really angry. “You hear I’m in love with Die so you wanna just put your bid in so I don’t stand a chance of getting him?”

“Wh—That is _not_ —”

“I know you guys are close, but this—he just said he loves me _back_ , and I—”

“Die loves you back?” Shinya cut him off, looking truly surprised.

“That’s so fucking hard to believe?” Kyo felt an odd pain behind his eyes, anger and insecurity and the threat of tears that he knew wouldn’t actually come.

“No, I just… didn’t know,” Shinya said. “He didn’t tell me that.”

“Well, he told _me_ ,” Kyo said, hating how childish it sounded. “So can’t you just let… let me have this?”

“Kyo.” Shinya waited for eye contact. “Not Die.”

“What not Die? What?”

“Kaoru.”

“Kaoru?”

Shinya sighed heavily. “I love Kaoru.” His eyes widened. “Oh. I’ve never said that before.”

“You— _what??_ ” Kyo was more stunned by this revelation than he perhaps should have been.

“I mean, I’ve said I was interested,” Shinya went on, not overly concerned with Kyo at the moment. “Or that I have feelings, but… it’s true. Now that I’ve said it, it feels obvious.”

“Obvious that you _love Kaoru_?”

Shinya smiled a little and nodded.

“Not Die?”

“Not at all,” Shinya said. “He’s all yours.”

Warmth flooded through Kyo at that, and he let out a breath of relief.

“Now will you help me with Kaoru?”

“I don’t understand why you would ask me instead of Die,” Kyo said. “He’s better with people than I am.”

“That might be partly why,” Shinya said. “Er, no offense.”

Kyo just shrugged.

“Die is all right with people, but Kaoru isn’t _like_ most people,” Shinya said. “I feel like you understand him better than I do, his intensity and his awkwardness. What should I do?”

“You’re set on making your feelings known?”

Shinya frowned. “You really think I shouldn’t?”

“I didn’t say that,” Kyo said, and cringed at his own unhelpfulness. “I just mean, you’re confident that he might return your feelings?” 

“Confident is putting it strongly,” Shinya admitted. “But I know he’s at least got some history with men.”

Kyo nodded. He remembered well enough Kaoru’s year-long relationship with a male novelist a decade prior. At the time he had been pretty shocked, but in retrospect he’d found it just made sense. He’d seen, too, just how head over heels Kaoru had been for the man.

Predictably, it had been Kaoru’s music career that had eventually ended things for them. He had been neither able nor willing to come out publicly, and that, combined with the stressful schedule Kaoru kept touring and everything, had been too much for his lover to handle. It was the hardest Kyo had ever seen Kaoru take a break-up, and he didn’t know of any men he’d dated since then.

“To be honest, I think with Kaoru, your best bet would be to just be as straightforward as possible,” Kyo said. “He’s not going to play games or solve riddles or any of that.”

Shinya nodded in agreement.

“I wouldn’t approach the topic right _before_ rehearsal,” Kyo said. “Ideally you don’t want him to feel pressured or stressed out about it.”

“Sometime when he’s relaxed.”

“Right, well, that might be hopeless,” Kyo said. “But after he’s had a chance to wind down from something.”

“And what if he needs convincing?”

“Convincing?”

“If he argues, you know.”

Kyo’s brow furrowed. “If he argues, you have to let it go. You can’t _convince_ someone to return your feelings.”

“I don’t mean convince him to return my _feelings_ ,” Shinya said. He stood up from the bench and paced just a couple steps before turning back to Kyo. “I mean convince him to _do_ something about them.”

Kyo pursed his lips. Kaoru was driven and it was something he respected about him, but it was also true that in cases of his own personal happiness, Kaoru could be slow to act. He was very restrained when it came to seeking his own pleasure.

“I’m worried he might pull something like you did,” Shinya said, studying a fallen leaf that he’d started pushing around the ground with the toe of his boot. “Try to say, for the sake of the band, it’s better we don’t pursue a relationship.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“It’s an excuse, and not even a good one. Whether I get to be with him or not won’t change how I feel about him, and that’s already going to have some impact on the band, just because it will.” Shinya sat on the bench again. “If he’s interested too, and we have a _shot_ at something, I think it’s ludicrous not to take it. It just doesn’t make any _sense_.”

“So if he argues, you can tell him that,” Kyo said. Kaoru would probably listen to reason after all.

Shinya tilted his head. “What about you?”

“I can tell him that, too, if you need me to,” Kyo said. “I guess?”

“No, you and Die. He loves you back,” Shinya said.”

Oh, that. 

“He does,” Kyo said, still hardly able to believe it himself.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m… not entirely sure,” Kyo said. “He said he wants to be with me. And I want that too, obviously.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I don’t know what exactly that will look like.”

Shinya smiled. “I’m glad you’re not fighting it.”

“I don’t think I could if I tried,” Kyo said with something like a laugh. “I’m so weak to Die it’s pretty shameful.”

Concern flickered over Shinya’s face before he apparently decided Kyo was being figurative and he relaxed. After a moment of quiet he said, “Whole band’s coupling up.”

“Now, now,” Kyo warned. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. We don’t know what Kaoru will say.”

“I know, but it’s funny, isn’t it?” Shinya leaned back on the bench, let his gaze drift skyward. “You two falling for each other, me falling for Kaoru… What are the chances?”

“Given how long we’ve all worked together and how close we’ve inevitably gotten? Gonna say they might be pretty high.”

“But what about poor Toshiya? Maybe we can set him up with a staff member?” Shinya mused.

Kyo kind of enjoyed seeing Shinya get excited about something like this; it had been years since he’d really witnessed it. But there was the genuine possibility that Kaoru would try to make some excuse to hold himself back from whatever Shinya wanted, even if it was what he wanted as well. It wouldn’t be the first time Kyo had seen their leader sabotage himself. “You’re counting chickens again,” he said.

“I know, and you don’t want to see me get hurt,” Shinya said. “You big softie.”

Kyo didn’t argue. “When do you think you want to try to talk to him?”

“Soon, if possible,” Shinya said. “Keeping it inside feels like… I don’t know, something acidic eating through my heart.”

“Nice image.”

“Thought you might like that.”

Kyo took out his phone, flipped to his calendar and studied it before offering up, “He’s gonna be at the studio recording the day after tomorrow. You could try to catch him after.”

“He’ll have a lot less weight on his shoulders if he’s finished his recording for the day,” Shinya said, nodding.

“He might still be carrying some of that tension though,” Kyo said. “You’ll have to play it by ear.”

Shinya smiled. “I can definitely do that.”

“And you’ll let me know how it goes?”

“If you like.”

“Just want to be sure you’re okay and everything,” Kyo said. He’d never really been in on any of Shinya’s romantic pursuits before, and having even just this limited involvement made him ready to go fight Kaoru at the first sign he might bring unhappiness upon Shinya.

“I appreciate that,” Shinya said. Already he was closing up again, buttoning himself back into the private and reserved individual Kyo was accustomed to. “Thank you, for your help.”

Kyo shook his head. “I really didn’t do anything.”

“I found speaking with you very helpful,” Shinya insisted. He stood up from the bench again and adjusted his coat, smoothing the material that had rumpled when he was sitting. “I really hope for the best for you and Die as well.”

“Thank you.” Kyo stood up too, and said a polite goodbye before parting ways with Shinya.

As he made his way to the underground station, he wondered whether Die had been aware of Shinya’s feelings for Kaoru. Was it really just that Shinya thought Kyo had a better read of Kaoru and how to approach him, or was he purposefully trying to leave Die out of it?

Now Kyo was wishing he had properly clarified Shinya’s wishes with him, since he wasn’t sure he could keep this kind of news to himself unless he was expressly told to, and he was supposed to be meeting with Die later that evening.

He hardly noticed the train ride home, utterly consumed with thoughts of the band and relationships, wondering whether it was all a mistake and unable to regret any of it in the slightest.

Maybe Kyo really could find someone to set Toshiya up with, too…


	2. Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking forever to post this, I've been so gross and sick the past few weeks I haven't been getting anything done at all (excuses, excuses...)  
> But here's a bit of Shinya's story.  
> Oh and note: There's some discussion of sexuality in this chapter and I want to put out there that I am in no way making some statement about bisexuality or anything like that. The speculations made by characters in this story are specific to this character and this situation and yeah, I just don't want that to get confused. Bisexuality is obviously 100% valid and it varies from person to person and that doesn't mean people are just "actually" gay or straight and using bisexuality as a cover.  
> See you all again soon.

It wasn’t as if Shinya was a total stranger to romance.

Certainly he had dated before, had even been the one in the past to make the first move—but Kaoru seemed like awhole different beast than anyone he’d ever pursued before. There were so many walls in place that he needed to work around, or _through_ , or…

Did he need to? How much of those walls was he required to chip away at in order to make something real with Kaoru? Was he only setting himself up to fail by imagining he could have something with him?

Honestly it might have been an interest he would have been content never to act on, if if hadn’t been for a few small details in the past few weeks.

The first thing to catch his attention had been at a meeting with the whole band. As was sometimes the case, there had been a disagreement amongst the members, everyone arguing their own view on which new track should be their priority for recording. It was heated enough that even Shinya had been trying to make himself heard, and that was when Kaoru had silenced the entire group.

After giving them each a chance to make their case, Kaoru had voted in favor of Shinya’s suggestion, despite its not being what he himself originally had pitched. It was faster than Kaoru generally let himself be persuaded, and yet, that wasn’t what had gotten to Shinya the most. After all, it wasn’t unheard of for Kaoru to listen to Shinya’s wisdom.

What had really struck him was the way Kaoru kept _looking_ at him, as if he were considering _him_ , more than just his idea. There was a focus there that Shinya had typically only seen reserved for Kaoru’s work, and yet since that meeting, he had caught Kaoru looking at him like that perhaps a dozen times.

At first he’d read it as a distrustful expression, thought Kaoru was going to come _speak_ to him, give him some band-related lecture, but when Shinya had finally snapped, addressing the staring with an impatient, “ _Do you need something_?” Kaoru had looked startled and flustered. It was clear he hadn’t really noticed he was doing it, and certainly didn’t want to be caught.

Shinya hadn’t been able to ignore it. If Kaoru was looking at him that intently without meaning to, maybe it was worth investigating. And at any rate, it wasn’t like Shinya minded Kaoru looking at him that way. It felt like a privilege to have captured Kaoru’s interest.

So it had been that Shinya had taken to snooping around for clues. He had checked in with Toshiya first, since he always seemed to know something about members’ personal lives. 

They’d been having a rhythm rehearsal, just the two of them able to talk freely, and Shinya had brought Kaoru up directly.

“Leader hasn’t been seeing anyone lately, has he?”

Toshiya didn’t even glance up from his bass, snorting instead, “So you also noticed how badly he needs to get laid?”

“I just can’t recall having seen him with anyone in a while.”

“No,” Toshiya agreed. “His last girlfriend was probably over a year ago, and even that…” Toshiya sucked in a breath through his teeth and shook his head.

“What?” Shinya didn’t remember anything about Kaoru’s last girlfriend. Had he ever even seen her?

“It’s not fair for me to say,” Toshiya said, shaking his head again. He moved closer to where Shinya sat at his drums, lowered his voice. “But, you know… Comparing Kaoru’s relationships… When he’s dated men vs. when he’s dated women?” He shrugged. “He’s happier with a guy. I think…” He frowned, looking guilty.

“It’s not like I’m going to repeat back to him anything you say,” Shinya said gently. He couldn’t help but be curious where Toshiya was going with all this.

“I think it’s easier for him to call himself bi than to just admit he’s gay,” Toshiya said, a note of regret in his voice. “If he’s bi, he can just still _mostly_ date women, even if it’s not as _real_ for him, and he doesn’t have to really face his own sexuality. He can just pretend he’s ‘straight’ most of the time, and not get as deep as he does when he’s in a relationship with a man.”

Shinya thought about it. Even though he could remember Kaoru’s longest and most significant relationship with a man, it was true that more often, if he dated at all, Kaoru dated women, and it never got remotely serious. He’d always figured that pattern just indicated Kaoru’s preference for women, but what Toshiya was saying made some sense, and that was deeply saddening.

“But we all know he likes guys,” Shinya said. “And it’s not like he’s alone in that.”

“I know,” Toshiya said, “But it’s different to be like, ‘well, I’ve dated a guy once or twice, but I’m mostly into women’ rather than to admit that women just aren’t where his interest lies. Maybe he can’t convince us he’s straight, but he can claim that men don’t mean as much to him, and there’s the bonus of not getting into a relationship where he’ll get really _hurt_ since he doesn’t fall in love with women like he does with men.”

Shinya was quiet for a minute, both of them just staring down at their instruments, their rehearsal put on hold. “Hmm.”

“Quite the depressing subject,” Toshiya said finally, and played a riff on his bass to bring their attention back to the music.

“Maybe you _should_ talk to him about some of that,” Shinya said, turning his drumsticks in his hands. 

Toshiya shook his head. “It’s not my place.”

“But he should know it’s okay,” Shinya insisted. “I mean pretty much the whole band has had interest in another man at one time or another; in this industry it’s hard not to at least consider it.”

Toshiya gave him an odd kind of look at that, though he didn’t question it aloud.

Shinya was always the one whose private life Toshiya didn’t have the details on. He didn’t talk about it, except very occasionally with Die. Outside of him, Shinya didn’t think any of he band even know about his own leanings towards men, and Shinya didn’t intend to let Toshiya in on that information all of a sudden.

“He’ll figure out he’s got nothing to be ashamed of in time,” Toshiya said. “He knows we’re all here for him, but we can’t force him out and expect him to be comfortable with himself. He’s got to get there at his own pace.”

Really, Shinya thought Kaoru could maybe at least use a shove in the right direction, but he’d kept that to himself, and they had returned to their rehearsal.

Even with that in mind, it hadn’t been Shinya’s plan to actually confess his feelings for Kaoru. He’d lived with those feelings for years, was comfortable just sitting on them, and cherishing the platonic relationship he was able to have with his longtime bandmate and friend.

He had toyed with the idea of just getting Kaoru a little tipsy, opening up the topic of sexuality in general, and letting Kaoru naturally own up to something. He could reassure him that his feelings were normal and should be embraced, funny as that might sound from someone like Shinya, sure as he was that the others all saw him as being totally repressed.

That had been what Shinya had been thinking about when he’d gotten a text from Die asking to meet. He invited Shinya over to his place, saying he had something “private” he wanted to discuss.

It wasn’t all that unusual for them, and Shinya hadn’t thought much of it, had simply agreed, and made his way over to Die’s townhouse, his thoughts still on Kaoru as he went.

He was sure it wouldn’t be practical to bring his own feelings into it when what was more important was to let Kaoru know _his_ feelings were okay to have. What Shinya felt for him was irrelevant, and could distort their professional relationship, and then what would the rest of the band say?

Shinya could imagine Kyo’s disapproval at the notion of dragging romance into their workplace, and didn’t think it would be worth facing it, even if Kaoru _was_ staring at him a lot lately…

As soon as Die had invited Shinya inside, his strange mood had been apparent. It wasn’t easy to tell whether he was happy or sad; he just seemed excited, nervous in a way. He sat Shinya down at the kitchen table and served him tea and cookies just like he always did, but instead of sitting across from him, he kept moving restlessly about the kitchen.

“I have beer, too, if you want,” Die said, and laughed. “‘I have beer,’ like sometimes I don’t, of _course_ I have—I just mean, let me know if you want one.” He opened the refrigerator and gestured to the drinks inside.

Shinya lifted his tea. “I’m good for now, thanks.”

“Sure, yeah,” Die said, closing the door. He moved to the sink, started washing a few small dishes there. “After, maybe, if you want.”

Shinya nodded. “Right.” He watched him wash another couple glasses before clearing his throat. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Oh, um. Yeah.” Die hesitated, his brow creased. He shut the water off, and dried his hands on a dish towel. “It’s actually about, um, Kyo.” He started folding the towel, then shook it out and folded it again.

“Okay,” Shinya said. He could see that whatever was on Die’s mind, it had him excessively tense, and after Die had hung up the towel, straightened it on the bar, and was still frowning at it, Shinya took a firmer tone. “ _Die_. Sit.” He gestured to the seat across from him.

Die looked at the seat, his lower lip caught between his teeth. He came over and sat on the edge of his chair, pulling his own cooling cup of tea towards himself.

“Now then,” Shinya said. “What about Kyo?”

There was such a long pause that Shinya almost prompted him again, and then Die said, “He loves me.”

Shinya blinked. “Kyo loves you?”

“I guess.”

“What do you mean, you guess?”

“He told me.”

That was even harder to believe than the initial statement. “ _Kyo_ told you that _Kyo_ loves you?”

Die nodded, not looking up from the table.

“ _Our_ Kyo?”

“Yes,” Die said, sounding ever so slightly annoyed.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Shinya said. “I just wouldn’t have expected that from him.”

“Me neither.”

“I mean, after the last girl that he dated…”

“I know,” Die said. “I didn’t think he was into guys.”

“And she was pretty, well…”

“Basically the polar opposite of me,” Die finished the sentence.

Shinya nodded. Kyo had been with that girl for a long time, and when she’d cheated on him it had completely broken him. Shinya had never wanted revenge on anyone _he’d_ dated, but he remembered thinking she deserved some serious karma for how she had hurt Kyo. That had been years ago, and yet he hadn’t been sure if Kyo was truly over her, and now this…

“You’re sure he meant,” Shinya said awkwardly, “ _that_ kind of love _._ ”

“I’m sure,” Die said.

Shinya sipped his tea. He had been so sure that Kyo would be against relationships mucking up the bad when he’d thought about it an hour ago, but maybe he really didn’t feel that way at all. “Surprising.”

“Mm.” Die looked up at Shinya. “He said he didn’t want it to change things between us.”

Shinya scoffed.

“Right? I don’t know how to _ignore_ that.”

“Well,” Shinya said, feeling suddenly emboldened. “Maybe I’ll tell Kaoru I’m interested in him, too.”

Die’s eyes went wide. “Wait, you _are_?”

Shinya shrugged. “I have been for a long while. If Kyo can go around telling you stuff, maybe I’ll tell Kaoru.”

“Shin, just because Kyo—”

“I know, but I’ve been thinking about talking to him anyway,” Shinya pulled one of the individually wrapped cookies from the little glass bowl Die had laid them out in. “The question is just how to do it.”

“I am not the person to ask,” Die said, holding up his hands.

“Oh, come on,” Shinya said. “You know Kaoru; what would be the best way to tell him?”

Die shook his head firmly, and stood up from the table. “I have no idea. I don’t understand how Kaoru’s mind works.” He crossed to the fridge and pulled out a beer for himself. “Perhaps you’d be better off asking Kyo for advice. He had the courage to confess to me.”

“And he has a pretty good grasp on Kaoru,” Shinya said, unwrapping his cookie. He took a bite, thinking as he chewed. “All right, I’ll bring it up with him.”

“You don’t have to tell him, you know,” Die said again. “I mean, if you want to, that’s great.”

“I do want to,” Shinya said. “And I’ll ask Kyo, because he’s got some of that same weirdness Kao does, and maybe he’ll have thoughts on how to deal with him.”

Shinya had been so motivated that he’d gone charging out of Die’s place without any further discussion.

It was only upon a much later reflection that Shinya realized how phenomenally he had hijacked the conversation, making it about his own stuff instead of listening to anything else Die might have wanted to say. He hadn’t known that Die returned Kyo’s feelings—he hadn’t even given him a chance to say so.

He could admit that he had dropped the ball in the friend department there. Die had reached out to him with something important and sensitive, and he hadn’t taken the time to really listen. He would owe Die an apology, but based on the text he’d just gotten from Kyo—at an odd hour of morning for those two to be together, unless they’d spent the night in each other’s company—it could wait.

Shinya was more patient about that than about the actual confession he had planned for Kaoru tomorrow. There was only so much he could do to keep himself distracted from thinking about it. After so long being content to let it go unspoken, his eagerness to get it off his chest was extremely physical, and after hours whiled away, exhausting himself in his home studio, all that was left to do was wait until he could meet with Kaoru face to face.


	3. Wednesday night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told y'all I'd be seeing you soon!

Kyo could recall, in excruciating detail, his and his ex’s first date.

He had been the one to ask her out, of course, had had to work up the courage to do so. He’d gotten reservations at one of the nicest places he knew, a French restaurant, with nothing on the menu he felt confident pronouncing. He’d gotten them a bottle of wine, because she’d wanted it, and she’d pouted when he’d gone to just order her a glass.

“You’re not going to drink it _with_ me?” she’d said.

“I’m not… big on drinking,” he’d told her. He could remember how the waiter had looked between them uncomfortably, how he’d twirled his pen restlessly between his fingers. 

“Here I thought you were a gentleman, but you’re just trying to get me drunk while you stay sober!” She had leaned her chin on her hand, and even though Kyo had been embarrassed by her saying such things in front of the waiter, he had thought in that moment she was so _cute_ , so _perfect_ , he would have given her anything she wanted. He’d ended up splitting the bottle with her.

After dinner he’d kissed her chastely, gotten her a cab home, and returned alone to his apartment with a nightmarish headache from drinking more than he liked to.

Now, Kyo sat all the way at one end of his sofa, his legs up on the seat, curled against the armrest. He’d been sitting there for the past twenty minutes, frozen with nerves, too scared to move.

Die was on his way over.

It had been agreed that they knew each other well enough to skip most of the official parts of a first date. They weren’t going out to find out what they had in common. They already knew they liked each other, and the main part they were missing was the physical component of their relationship.

They hadn’t said it in so many words, but when Die had said he’d bring over a movie and take-out, that they could just relax, spend a night in, Kyo hadn’t had any difficulty reading between the lines; he was more than aware of what they both wanted.

So it was that he had showered, cleaning himself more thoroughly than usual, gotten out lube and condoms, so they would be readily available wherever their evening activities ended up taking them, and then he’d dressed himself in one of his favorite comfortable outfits and plopped himself down on the couch to await Die’s arrival.

He heard Die’s footsteps in the hall as he approached the front door. They weren’t heavy, but they had an earthy way of establishing his presence, whereas Kyo’s ex had always moved so quietly he’d seen it as adding to her ethereal quality. In a way it had also made it harder to be _sure_ of her.

Kyo was already on his feet when Die knocked at the door, and wasted no time in crossing to open it. Even though he’d expected him (or perhaps _because_ he’d expected him?) Kyo smiled when he found Die in the hallway. He was dressed in that casual style that he was capable of making look unreasonably good, and holding a bag of takeout in one hand.

Resisting the urge to grab him by the collar of his jacket and kiss him right there, Kyo ushered Die inside, and took the food from him so he could deal with getting his boots off. After peeking in the bag to see what they’d need, Kyo hurried off to the kitchen for chopsticks and beverages.

When he came back, Die was examining his shelves in the living room, bent to look more closely at a small hand-carved figure of some unrecognizable beast, which Kyo had been given by a friend years ago. Die’s curiosity was so endearing Kyo hated to interrupt him. He set the food quietly on the low table in front of the couch, and stood back to watch Die explore his surroundings.

He watched the stunning gentleness with which Die ran a fingertip along the titles of one shelf of CDs. It seemed like Die was searching for something as he moved to the next shelf, this one smaller, lined with books. He spent so long frowning at it that Kyo finally broke the silence.

“What are you looking for?”

Die glanced back over his shoulder, as if surprised to find Kyo there, then turned back to the books. “Trying to see if I can tell just by looking what are your most beloved books; which ones have the most mangled bindings, have been handled, read and reread, the most often.”

“Hmm…” Kyo moved to stand beside Die, let his hand trail down his back. “I think _most_ of my best-loved books aren’t even on this shelf. I lend them out to people and rarely get them back.”

Die gasped dramatically. “Book thieves! Those absolute criminals. Need me to go after them for you?”

It was a sweet offer. Kyo thought of the volumes he had lovingly entrusted to dear friends over the years, expecting to see them again at some point. He knew his ex had more than a few, that he had even loaned an entire series to her _mother_ thinking it was something she’d like. No attempt to return it had ever been made, and he supposed nothing like that was truly irreplaceable anyway.

Kyo shook his head, coming even closer to Die, hooking an arm around his narrow waist. “Perhaps such things are meant to be shared. Or perhaps I should just stick to _recommending_ my favorites to people.”

Die laughed, and then suddenly he was turning them, rotating Kyo in his arms until he could capture his lips with his own, kissing him like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Kyo felt like he didn’t need to support his own weight when Die kissed him like that. Die’s hands were on his waist, firm and solid, enough to make him feel small, maneuverable, and the tiniest sound came out of him at the idea of Die moving him wherever he liked, of Die _showing_ so vividly and unmistakably, everything he _wanted_.

Finally, Die broke away, just enough to press a long kiss just under Kyo’s jaw. He sighed, spoke against Kyo’s skin, “I’m not trying to rush things at all. It just feels… so good. To be able to kiss you like this, to be this close to you…” He nuzzled against Kyo’s neck. “I think I could get pretty carried away, so just tell me if I’m moving too fast.”

Kyo shook his head. He couldn’t imagine a scenario where Die was doing anything he didn’t want. He was sure that he’d just roll with it if Die felt like skipping dinner and just tearing his clothes off right here and now instead. 

With a reluctant sort of sound, Die pulled away from Kyo’s neck. He rubbed his hands up and down Kyo’s sides and said, “I did bring a movie.”

“Right,” Kyo said. And maybe a part of him had even hoped that Die would want to move past all these little niceties and get right on to whatever came next, but he wouldn’t deny that sitting close to Die and enjoying a movie sounded like a pretty idyllic way to spend an evening.

Die put on the blu-ray—some documentary that he’d been eagerly telling Kyo about for ages—and they settled in on the couch with their food, neither saying much to interrupt the film.

Kyo had his eyes on Die as often as he had them on the screen. He reveled in the freedom of admiring Die’s profile, how the light from the television in the otherwise dark living room cast such striking shadows on his face. As soon as he finished eating, he placed his takeout container aside on the end table, and scooted closer, his hand resting lightly on Die’s long thigh.

“Mm.” Die shifted where he sat. “Can you… touch me, um, harder?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow at the request. “My hand feels too spidery?” he asked, pressing against Die’s thigh more firmly.

“No,” Die said, ducking his head in embarrassment. “It just. Feels good. You touching me, anywhere.”

“Oh?” Kyo let his hand slide a little higher. “Anywhere?”

Die didn’t say anything, but leaned in to kiss Kyo again, his tongue slipping into his mouth in a way that somehow Kyo wasn’t expecting. This one wasn’t like the easy, relaxing kisses from earlier. Sure, it still felt natural, but there was a need dominating it now, Die filling his senses so completely that Kyo was a bit overwhelmed. Though not in a way he disliked. 

“I want your hands all over me,” Die told him breathlessly, between more of those heated kisses, all spice and desire. “Want _all_ of you.”

“ _Yes_.” Kyo couldn’t muster up anything more eloquent than that. Whatever Die wanted sounded good to him, sounded _great_ , and he knew the offer had already been put out there to stop him if things were moving too fast. He slid his hands up over Die’s chest, across his shoulders, down his arms again, trying to touch him everywhere at once.

Die’s hands were a little more focused in their roaming, guiding Kyo to straddle his lap, and then groping shamelessly at his ass. 

Kyo moaned against Die’s lips, arching into his touch. He loved the feel of Die’s hands on him, so big, going for what he wanted. He was sure there was no hiding how aroused he was, and he rolled his hips as Die tugged at Kyo’s lower lip with his teeth.

Die pushed his hips up to meet Kyo’s, let him feel how hard he was, and then sighed, dropping his head against Kyo’s shoulder. “Shit, I’m so horny.” He let out an embarrassed laugh. “Sorry I’m not smoother. You just… make me feel like a damn teenager. I want you.”

Kyo smiled, kissed Die’s cheek. “I don’t need you to be smooth. I want you, too.”

Die made a throaty little noise, his hands squeezing Kyo’s ass more tightly. “Hearing you say that, right in my ear… I don’t think you can know how much you turn me on.”

“But I like for you to tell me,” Kyo said quietly. It was the truth. These small admissions were exciting Kyo more than he would have expected, and he wanted to know Die’s every intimate thought, wanted to know that he was filling Die’s head.

“I think about you,” Die said. “A lot.”

“Like when I’m not there?”

Die’s lips moved to Kyo’s neck, just lingering with barely any pressure at all. “Mm. When I’m,” he murmured, “alone.” His tongue swiped abruptly up to Kyo’s jawline, causing him to gasp. “Think about _this_ —Sorry I didn’t wait for permission to fantasize about you…”

He didn’t sound that sorry.

“I definitely don’t mind,” Kyo said, his head tipped back as Die grazed his teeth lower, over his collarbone. “What else do you think about?”

“General things about you,” Die said. One of his hands started to slip down into the back of Kyo’s pants. “About your lips or your voice or how good you would feel, around me.” He squeezed Kyo’s ass again for emphasis.

“Oh,” Kyo said, though it was more of a moan. “I’ve never—” He shivered, imagining what it would be like to have Die spread him open and fill him. In his previous experiences with men, he’d always topped. It hadn’t really occurred to him that Die might want something else from him, and now that he’d said as much, Kyo felt almost desperate to have it.

“We don’t have to—”

“ _No_ ,” Kyo said firmly, reaching back to stop Die’s hand that had started to retreat from his pants. He pulled back so he could look Die in the eyes. “I haven’t ever… been on that end of things. But I want to, with you.”

“Fuck,” Die whispered. He closed his eyes, breathed out through his nose.

“What’s wrong?”

Die shook his head. “Just trying to keep some kind of control.”

“You don’t have to,” Kyo said. “You can let yourself go with me.”

Die leaned in and kissed him sweetly once again before suddenly flipping them, pinning Kyo down against the couch cushions so forcefully that the wind was knocked out of him.

“Lube?” Die asked, already starting to unfasten Kyo’s pants, and Kyo supposed he had told him not to worry about keeping control.

Kyo slid one hand between the cushions and came out with lube and a condom, holding them up a bit sheepishly.

Die raised an eyebrow.

“I just wanted to be prepared for wherever tonight went,” Kyo said as Die tugged his pants down his hips. “I, um, don’t usually have it there.”

“Hmm.” Die was smirking as he took the lube and condom from Kyo and set them aside. “Not sure if I’m disappointed. It’s kinda hot to think of you using it out here on the couch, maybe fucking yourself, keeping it nearby in case you just need it…”

“I—I don’t really…”

“Fuck yourself? Too bad,” Die said, and let Kyo sit up. “Are you sure you want me to…? You know we don’t have to.”

“I know,” Kyo said, “But we can try it.”

Die looked at him a moment longer and then nodded. “Turn around, get up on your knees for me.” 

As Kyo went about shifting around on the couch, getting his pants and underwear fully off, Die lowered himself onto the floor. He gave Kyo’s thigh a reassuring pat when he was positioned how he wanted him.

“I guess it’s lucky you have lube at all then,” Die said. 

“Well, that’s… not the only thing it’s good for,” Kyo said. He was glad to be facing away from Die with how he could feel his cheeks heating up.

“Yeah? You like it nice and wet when you’re jerking off, hm?”

“Sometimes,” Kyo admitted.

“I’d love to see that,” Die said lowly.

Kyo felt his cock twitch just from the tone of Die’s voice, and he pushed his ass back towards him, eager for him to start opening him up.

“You know, I’ve legitimately had dreams about this ass.” Die’s voice was nearly reverent as his hands glided across bare skin, down the backs of Kyo’s thighs and up again.

Kyo shivered. “Good dreams?”

“The kind I wake up hard from.”

Kyo thought about it for a second and then said, “It’s yours.”

Die groaned, his hands squeezing Kyo’s flesh a bit more harshly. “Do you trust me?”

“Completely,” Kyo answered, because he did.

And just like that, Kyo felt his cheeks being spread, felt Die’s breath warm against him for the split second before his tongue was moving wetly over Kyo’s hole. 

Kyo jerked forward, let out a cry that was aroused, surprised, and honestly a little bit scared, all at once. 

Die’s hands on him tightened, holding Kyo in place as he teased the sensitive ring of muscle with the tip of his tongue. He circled the hole a few times, then eased the point of his tongue inside.

Gasping for breath, Kyo gripped the back of the couch with all his strength, and heard the fabric straining. He wondered if Die could feel how much his thighs were shaking, if it was as noticeable from there as it felt to Kyo, where he thought he would collapse any second now, unable to withstand the sensation of Die actually _fucking_ him with his tongue. He whined, his cock heavy between his legs. “Di-ie…” 

“Nn?” Die didn’t bother pulling back to answer, his face still pressed to Kyo’s backside.

“Feels—feels good,” Kyo whispered, in spite of himself. He hid his blush against the back of the couch, and spread his legs more, pushing back to open himself wider for Die.

One finger slowly entered Kyo’s passage, alongside Die’s probing tongue, and Kyo made a choked-off little sound at how strange it felt. Finally Die’s tongue pulled away and there was the click of the lube’s cap before Kyo felt the cool liquid drizzling between his cheeks.

Kyo took to biting his lower lip, hard, just to keep from whimpering with every thrust of Die’s finger. And then he was adding a second finger, and Kyo couldn’t keep the sound inside anymore, his mouth falling open as he moaned loudly.

“Yeah, you like that?” The smile in Die’s voice was audible.

“Ngg, yeah, fuck,” Kyo mumbled into the couch cushions. And he _did_ like it. He hadn’t been sure how he would feel about being penetrated like this, but it was _good_. There was a sting and an ache to it, sure, but nothing more severe than he enjoyed, and it was just more of a turn-on to know that _Die_ was touching him, Die was _inside_ him, because he _wanted_ to be.

“You’re doing so good for me,” Die said, stroking the back of Kyo’s thigh soothingly. His fingers still worked inside Kyo, but he didn’t seem to be in too much of a rush, was stretching him patiently, gently. “And I don’t know if you realize just how fuckin’ sexy the sounds you make are.”

Kyo whimpered again, this time more out of embarrassment than anything. He could feel the precum threatening to drip from his cock, and had to hold back another whimper at the idea that he was going to make a mess on the couch.

“I’m going to add another finger, okay?”

Kyo nodded, not really trusting himself to speak at the moment. It was _strange_ , and he wouldn’t deny that it hurt, being that open, that _full._ God, he’d never been so full. He was scared to even move, found himself just resting his forehead on the back of the couch, overly conscious of his own breathing, listening to the slick sound of Die’s fingers.

Again, it was slow. He had _time_ to breathe, time to listen, time to be aware of Die’s smallest movements inside him. There was nothing frantic or desperate about it, and that almost turned him on more. It was deliberate and brimming with intent. Die was stretching Kyo _for his cock_.

Oh.

That thought had Kyo’s own cock giving another heavy twitch. All this patience and care in opening him up was so that Die could _fuck_ him, all those wet sounds were preparation because Die _wanted_ to be _inside_ him. Kyo knew what it was like, that _need_ to be inside someone, to feel their heat around him, and knowing he was now the subject of that desire had him more excited than he could really contain.

Bucking his hips without meaning to, Kyo let out a strangled cry, and Die’s hands paused.

“Okay? Do you need me to stop?” Die asked softly.

Kyo shook his head hurriedly. “Need—more.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I want you inside me.”

Die’s fingers fucked slowly in and out of Kyo’s hole a few more times, and he groaned.

“You’re sure you’re ready for me?” Die said, eternally considerate.

“I guess if I’m not, we’ll find out,” Kyo said over his shoulder with a wry smile.

Die met his eyes, smiled back, and then he was removing his fingers, and Kyo turned to rest his forehead against the back of the couch again, waiting as he heard Die moving around, the condom wrapper tearing, the lube opening and closing.

He didn’t have to wait long before the head of Die’s prick was there, nudging at his entrance, and Kyo bit down on his lower lip as it pushed inside, hard and slick and somehow so much _thicker_ than Die’s fingers had been. He tried to keep his whole body from tensing up. Die’s hands were on him, one at his hip, one moving gently over his back, and he let himself relax into that touch. After a careful process, rocking out and back in several times, Die was fully seated inside him and Kyo could have sworn he could feel him throughout his entire body.

“Shit,” Die said. “You feel—fuck, you have no idea.”

“I have some idea.” Kyo’s voice broke slightly, distracting from what he’d meant to be a lighthearted reply. But the truth was he’d been on Die’s side of things. What was much more foreign was the feeling he was currently experiencing; the overwhelming fullness that was not enough and too much, and had him on the verge of exploding. “Die, please, move.”

Die obeyed, but Kyo didn’t know why he’d thought that would help, since the result was just more of that overwhelming sensation at a rapid, rolling pace.

Kyo pushed his face into the back cushions of the couch, trying to muffle even one of the sounds that were falling out of his mouth in a constant stream. It didn’t really work.

“God, I love hearing you,” Die said.

Kyo loved hearing Die, too. If he couldn’t see Die’s face, he wanted his voice, his words low and dirty in his ear the entire time. He wasn’t able to express that thought as coherently as he would have liked, as all that came out were some desperate pleas and curses.

Perhaps in some way, Die understood, because he went on praising Kyo as he thrust into him deeper, saying how good he felt, how much better it was than anything he could have dreamed up in all his time imagining it. 

And then he hit that spot inside Kyo, and Kyo’s vision whited out for a second.

“Oh, f-fuck,” Kyo said through gritted teeth. Everything was on fire and he could feel himself crumbling. He never put anything in his ass usually, and here he was trying it and already so close to losing his damn mind. “Fuck, fuck, Die, I’m gonna cum, I’m—with you insi-ide me.” He was whining, but he couldn’t even be embarrassed, he was too close.

“Fuck, yes you are,” Die said. His hand wrapped around Kyo’s cock, calling attention to just how much he was leaking. “Do it, let me feel you.”

It only took a few strokes of his cock, and Kyo was practically screaming, clenching hard around Die still inside him. Cum coated Die’s hand, and Kyo clawed at the back of the couch, quickly starting to feel overstimulated and panicky.

Fortunately Die was only a few moments behind him, his pace picking up as he kept slamming into Kyo until he came with a gasp, and his arms wrapped tightly around Kyo, holding him close as he rode it out.

Die’s embrace was calming and felt safe, and Kyo complained loudly when he slowly started to pull out and away.

“I’ll be back in less than a minute, I promise,” Die said, his voice soft and reassuring. He helped Kyo to move so he could curl up comfortably against the arm of the couch, and then his footsteps retreated.

The room was dark except for the light coming from the frozen television screen. Kyo hadn’t even noticed Die pausing the movie, but he’d been preoccupied from the moment that Die’s lips first touched his, so that wasn’t too surprising. He shifted on the couch, and inhaled sharply at the tenderness of his backside.

Kyo dropped one hand down between his legs, his fingers tracing his stretched rim, still wet with lube. His eyes closed and he let himself think how recently Die had been there, _right_ there, _inside him_ , and he bit back a moan as his cock jumped at the thought.

“Fuck, Kyo…”

Kyo opened his eyes and looked up at Die standing in front of him, still gloriously naked, holding a damp cloth and a water bottle. He let his legs fall open more. “I liked having you inside me.”

Die breathed out slowly. “Okay, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop, ‘cause I don’t honestly have the energy to fuck you again right now, and if you keep that up I’m not gonna be able to help it.”

Kyo smiled tiredly. “I don’t have the energy either.”

“We might actually sleep well tonight,” Die said, sitting down on the couch and setting to gently running the cloth over the stickiest areas of Kyo’s skin.

“That’d be a first,” Kyo said. He patiently allowed himself to be cleaned up, took the water bottle Die had brought and drained half of it. Screwing the cap back on, he said, “You know, I do still have the energy for some kisses, though.”

Die snorted, but obligingly leaned in to place a chaste kiss on Kyo’s lips. “Think you can walk to the bedroom?” he asked, getting to his feet.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “What, if I can’t, you’ll carry me?”

“I’ve been training a lot lately.”

“Now you’re saying I’m heavy.”

“All right, well _I’ll_ be in the bedroom,” Die said with a dramatic eye roll. He turned to go, and Kyo hurried after him.

There was something not the least bit strange about having Die in his bed. He filled the space as if it was his, legs tangling with Kyo’s own, bare chest rising and falling with slow, even breaths as he held Kyo comfortably against him.

Still, Kyo was waiting for something to be wrong, to take it all away. It didn’t seem possible that Die could really be there, could feel so right and so sweet. There was no way he really deserved it, was there?

The lights were already off when Die said, “You think Kaoru will completely lose his shit when he finds out?”

Kyo made a sleepy dismissive noise and nuzzled his face into the pillow. “Nah, he’ll be too busy with Shinya’s love confession to pay any attention to us.”

Die laughed through his nose, “Yeah—wait, what?”

Kyo’s eyes snapped open. “What?!”

“Did Shinya confess??”

“Shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“Kyo, what did Shinya say to you?”

“Nothing!” Kyo said frantically, burrowing even deeper into the pillow. “I don’t know anything, I didn’t say anything!”

He hadn’t _meant_ to say anything, anyway. He didn’t know if Shinya had actually mentioned any of the Kaoru business to Die, and it was possible that he had just spilled some rather messy beans. He blindly reached for where he’d plugged his phone in next to the bed, and, squinting at the brightness of the screen with one eye, sent Shinya a rather panicked text message:

_Wait shit have you told Die about Kaoru?? he’s here and i just said a stupid thing and i don’t know what I'm allowed to say, please let me kno asap!!_

It wasn’t his most articulate prose ever, but with the brain power he had, it would have to do. 


	4. Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! I haven't been motivated to finish this at all and my schedule has been nuts, so yeah I'm sorry, and here we are.

Shinya was more amused than anything by the text he received from Kyo, so clearly lacking the usual thought he put into his written works. It had been sent in the wee hours of the morning and seemed to suggest that Kyo was with Die at the time, which had to mean their _togetherness_ was progressing at a faster pace than Shinya had expected. He politely waited to reply (saying of course he didn’t mind Die having any of the information that Kyo already had) until closer to noon, letting Kyo get the sleep he most likely needed.

Part of Shinya wished he could sleep the morning away himself, if only to make the hours pass more quickly. In most areas of his life he was exceedingly patient, but the longer he waited for his opportunity to speak to Kaoru, the more he was sure he’d lose his nerve, or come up with a reason why it was the wrong time. He didn’t think he would accidentally convince himself it was the wrong thing to _do_ , but he could imagine himself putting it off longer if he decided for some reason that another time would be better.

Truth be told, Shinya wasn’t completely sure why he thought now _was_ the best time. Even dwelling on it, all he could come up with was that Kyo had made his move with Die, that things were happening for them, and it inspired him. Maybe it would even help Kaoru to be more receptive to him if he could see that Kyo and Die were enjoying each other so much.

Shinya cautioned himself away from that kind of thinking. However things went with Kaoru, he didn’t want to put some kind of pressure on Die and Kyo to have an exemplary relationship. After all, he knew well enough how hard it was for Kyo to pursue anyone at all after how badly his heart had been broken last time. He didn’t think that Die would hurt him like that, but he knew it was dangerous to assume that everything between them would be easy and peaceful. Realistically, Kyo just wasn’t that kind of person.

Realistically, he knew Kaoru wasn’t exactly that kind of person either. If his relationships lacked drama it was because they also lacked passion, and while Shinya didn’t require a _great_ deal of either one in his personal life, he’d like to be something of a significant change from what Kaoru was accustomed to.

The day, in the end, went by much faster than Shinya expected. He’d been sure that he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, but as it happened, he got a lot of work done, polishing music stuff at home. He felt lighter since telling Die and Kyo what had been eating away at him, and since coming to the decision to make his feelings for Kaoru known once and for all, and it was having a positive effect on his productivity.

It was almost a surprise when he woke the next morning just as sure of himself as he had been going to sleep. Maybe surer.

He took himself out for a leisurely cup of tea before heading to the studio in the later afternoon, careful not to overplan what he would say when he finally saw Kaoru. It had started to feel like he hadn’t seen him in ages, like a lifetime had passed in the two days since they’d been at the same meeting. Like he was heading off to pour his heart out to a stranger. It was a little more thrilling than the kind of things Shinya usually did with his days off.

And then there he was at the studio—a familiar place, but with aforeign feeling of nervousness gurgling within him. He rode the elevator up to the proper floor, keeping himself busy on Instagram, and then headed to the break room.

There was no way to be 100% sure when Kaoru would be finished with recording, so Shinya had to just position himself where he could catch him on his way out and work on his own things in the meantime. The break room was a good place to set up, especially since there was a jacket that Shinya recognized as Kaoru’s draped over one arm of the couch, and he would surely have to come back through to retrieve it before he left for the day.

Outside of that, Shinya could only hope he didn’t encounter too many familiar staff members asking why he was hanging around on a day when he wasn’t scheduled to record. To be safe—and to not feel like he was wasting an afternoon—he spread out some of his sheet music on the table and did some work on his tablet. Of course it was nothing he couldn’t have done more easily at home, but maybe no one else would realize that.

He found himself thinking again about Kyo and Die. It had only been a couple days ago that he’d had that conversation with Kyo, listened to him wondering what a relationship would look like for them, and then that same night he and Die were together. They’d stated their love for each other and moved forward with it.

Could it be that easy? Could it go that same way for Shinya with Kaoru? Perhaps the instant the words left his lips, he would be in Kaoru’s embrace, enveloped in the scent of cigarette smoke and sparse cologne, Kaoru’s returned affections murmured into his hair.

Shinya wasn’t normally one ot let himself get so carried away with romantic fancies and it was starting to weird him out how he didn’t seem fully capable of keeping his brain from providing them. Sure, they weren’t full-fledged standing on the dock in a kimono, waiting for Kaoru to leap majestically off a ship and dip him for a kiss, but they were still thoughts that conflicted with Shinya’s usual pragmatism. Especially when all he had to suggest that Kaoru might return his feelings was a few lingering looks and some uncharacteristic agreeability.

In fact, what was he _doing_? That wasn’t enough to go on at all! Toshiya’s theory that Kaoru was repressing his gay identity didn’t mean that Shinya was the person who could change any of that. Maybe it really wasn’t the right time. Maybe he ought to investigate further into Kaoru’s feelings and interests and wait to approach him until he had more evidence of reciprocation.

He snapped the cover of his tablet closed and was just tidying up his papers when the door to the break room creaked open and, naturally, Kaoru came striding in, though he froze completely when he caught sight of Shinya.

“Shinya! Oh!” he said awkwardly.

“Hullo, Kaoru,” Shinya replied, careful to keep his voice even and calm.

“I didn’t know—what are you doing here?”

Shinya ignored the question. “How was recording? Did you get a lot done?”

Kaoru pursed his lips. “Mm, good, I think. I’ll have to listen to it a few more times, and I’m sure there will be things I want to do over, but it felt good.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Shinya said, and it was true. If the session had gone badly, and he’d found Kaoru in a state of agitation, he probably would have been forced to postpone the whole thing. As it was, he took his appearance at that moment a sign to move forward with it, and said, “Why don’t we go out and grab a drink, celebrate the work you put in today? I’m buying.”

Kaoru looked a little bit wary, but then he smiled. “Yeah, all right. I’d like that.”

Shinya waited for him to finish gathering up his things and come back to meet him in the hall, all the while trying to decide what he really hoped to accomplish in taking Kaoru out drinking with him. He wasn’t going to take advantage of him, so if Kaoru got truly inebriated, a deep discussion of his feelings would be off the table, but if nothing else he wanted to encourage him to be a little more open to the possibility of his true desires. It was a kind of tall order, but Shinya wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

“Should we call some of the others?” Kaoru asked as he rejoined Shinya and they headed for the elevator. “Maybe Die would like to come meet us for a drink.”

“Oh, um, I think he’s busy, actually,” Shinya said. “It might be kind of nice with just the two of us though, don’t you think?”

There was that slight nervousness again in Kaoru’s face when he said, “Sure, just the two of us will be. Nice.”

There was definitely something going on there. Kaoru didn’t want to be alone with Shinya, and if it wasn’t because he _disliked_ Shinya, there were only so many alternative explanations.

They walked to an izakaya that was a favorite of the band’s, due to its reliable privacy and convenient location between the studio and the train station. They got their table, the door slid closed, and then it was just Kaoru and Shinya, sitting across from each other, and it was so much quieter than when they had Die and Toshiya there with them that it was sort of stifling.

“So,” Shinya said, eager to break the silence before he wanted to scream, “it was a good recording session?”

Kaoru’s eyes flicked up from where he’d been perusing the drinks menu. “Yes, I think so. That one solo was giving me some trouble, but I’m pretty sure I got a take I’m happy with.”

“When are you back in the studio?”

“Monday,” Kaoru said. “So I have all weekend to practice anything I think might be a struggle next time.” He opened his mouth and then closed it before saying, “What about you? You weren’t recording today. You were just at the studio getting some desk work done?”

“Oh, sure, you know how it is,” Shinya said. “There’s always something to work on.”

Kaoru grunted in agreement and put in their drink orders on the provided console.

As another silence fell, Shinya found himself very frustrated that he hadn’t gotten better advice from Kyo about how to handle this part. How did one make that segue remotely natural?

Before the pause could get too uncomfortable, Shinya bit the bullet and said bluntly, “So you haven’t been dating anyone lately, have you?”

Much as he’d hoped he was keeping his tone casual, Kaoru still physically jumped, clearly alarmed by the question. “What? Dating—no, I um, haven’t, I suppose. Why do you ask?”

Shinya shrugged, shook his head. “Just noticed it had been a while since I saw you invested in someone. Maybe not since that novelist you dated, what was his name?”

Maybe it was cruel to bring up a past relationship that Shinya knew had ended painfully, and maybe there was a better way to approach the topic of Kaoru’s interest in men, but it was already out there, and Shinya didn’t have time to regret it much before Kaoru was answering, barely more than a mumble, “Kazuya.”

“Ah, that’s right,” Shinya said. “Are you two still in touch?”

“No,” Kaoru said. “I don’t think he wanted much to do with me after it ended. Anyway, that was a long time ago.”

“Mm, something like ten years, wasn’t it?”

“Just about.”

“But you haven’t had as deep a relationship since him, have you?” Shinya said. “Why do you suppose that is?”

“Shinya,” Kaoru said, looking at him. “Why are we talking about this?”

“Does it upset you to discuss it?”

“No, not particularly,” Kaoru said. “But you and I don’t generally talk about our private lives and I’m not sure why you would suddenly decide to change that tradition.” He raised an eyebrow. “Are _you_ invested in a relationship currently? I can’t remember the last time I saw you dating anyone.” 

“Don’t you think it’s more likely that you just don’t pay attention to such things?”

“But you’re _not_ dating anyone,” Kaoru said, with more confidence. “If you’ve got a bee in your bonnet to interrogate me, you’d best be prepared to answer some of those same questions yourself.”

A polite knock at the door saved Shinya from replying, and the server quickly came in, set down their drinks, and excused herself once more.

“So,” Kaoru said, undeterred by the interruption. “Why aren’t you saying anyone, Shinya?”

For some reason, Shinya really hadn’t expected to have the tables turned on him this way. He probably ought to have prepared for it, since he knew that Kaoru wasn’t exactly a passive person whom he could manipulate into whatever corner he wanted. Wasn’t his strength and rebellious nature something Shinya liked about him?

After a minute of thinking and staring at his drink where it sat on the table, Shinya said, “Because the person I’m currently interested in is a man, and you know as well as anyone how hard it can be to make something like that work in this industry. That said, if he were to return my feelings, I believe we would stand a real chance at having something.”

It appeared that it wasn’t quite the answer Kaoru had counted on, as he suddenly became fascinated with his own beverage, looking at it for some time before clearing his throat. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“Not in so many words,” Shinya said. “Why, do you think I’d get a good response?”

Kaoru shifted in his seat. “Well, certainly, you’re—You know, a terribly _decent_ person, creative, intelligent… Any man would be a fool to turn down a date with you.” His attempt at a warm smile was slightly pained.

“And are you a fool, Kaoru?” Shinya asked, his head cocked to one side.

To Kaoru’s credit, he didn’t sputter or fidget or make some excuse to suddenly up and leave. He just sat stock-still and stared at Shinya so silently that one could hear the cogs turning in his mind. Eventually he took a long drink from his glass, and set it back down on the table. “I’m afraid I am.”

The simple words sounded louder than any crash of cymbals, and Shinya had to take a couple seconds to collect himself. “Guess you didn’t have to think much about that one.”

“I have no delusions about my own foolishness,” Kaoru stated. “I know unfortunately well, from experience, that when offered something that I want, I will inevitably crush it, disfigure it, hurt it until it… no longer wants _me_.”

“Something you want or some _one_?”

Kaoru shook his head. “It makes no difference. I assure you’re better off without me.”

“You sound even more dramatic than a certain vocalist friend of ours right now,” Shinya said, unimpressed by Kaoru’s excuses. “But you’re also acting exactly like I’d predicted you would.”

“Is it bad to be consistent?”

“When you consistently deny yourself and find reasons to be miserable, yes.”

Kaoru scowled. “Pray tell, how should I behave instead?”

“Give it a try before you convince yourself it won’t work,” Shinya said. “Am I wrong in thinking you’re interested in me?”

“…You’re not wrong.”

Shinya set his relief down to deal with later. “Then where’s the harm in exploring that?” Before Kaoru could open his mouth, Shinya held up a hand. “I swear, if you use the band as another excuse, my drink will end up in your face. I can email you my research on why your reasoning is invalid later.”

Surprisingly, that got Kaoru to start laughing. “You’ve really put some thought into this, haven’t you?” He shook his head with a fond smile. “Sasuga Shinya.”

“We could start by just getting drinks.”

“We’re having drinks right now,” Kaoru pointed out.

“And look how well it’s going,” Shinya shot back. “Well enough that I think it calls for a second date.”

“What do you propose we would do?”

That suggested he wasn’t rejecting the idea outright, so Shinya had to think quickly. “Dinner,” he said. “Let me cook you dinner.”

Kaoru was skeptical. “You cook?”

“In theory. How hard could it be?”

“Hmm.” Kaoru took out his phone and swiped through a few things. It wasn’t clear whether he was going to say anything more, until he set the phone back down on the table and looked at Shinya. “Your place or mine?”

“My kitchen is nicer,” Shinya said.

Kaoru didn’t argue. “I don’t have a lot of free time.”

“How’s tomorrow evening?”

“Soon.”

“I don’t want to give you a chance to change your mind.”

Kaoru nodded. “We can try it. Seven pm?”

“Works for me.”

“Good.” Kaoru finished his drink. “Now with that out of the way, there was something I’ve been wanting your opinion on…”

They transitioned easily into talking about other things, _normal_ things, like music and mutual friends and the state of the world. It was as it always was between them; not romantic or flirty, but a comfortable exchange of ideas.

Overall, Shinya was more than a little surprised at how well Kaoru had taken it. He hadn’t expected him to agree without more protestations, but he was loath to bring it up and prompt Kaoru to back out after giving it more thought. Instead he tried to enjoy their time, even allowing himself to really think of it as their first date.

As the evening wore on, Kaoru became more and more concerned with messages he was receiving on his phone, and after the fourth time he responded to one, Shinya suggested it might be time for him to return home.

“I’ve been rude,” Kaoru said apologetically. “You should not be so tolerant, Shinya.”

Shinya nodded. It was something he’d heard before, been warned against many times, that people would take advantage of him if he was too kind, too soft. He’d been accused of having no backbone before, but he thought it was wrong to see acceptance and flexibility as a weakness. 

All the same, he’d learned when to be firm with Kaoru. “Tomorrow I’ll expect your undivided attention.”

“I’ll do my best,” Kaoru said, and Shinya knew that was about as close as he ever got to a promise.

They settled the check and walked out together to the train station, where Kaoru paused awkwardly, as if unsure whether he was meant to offer some physical farewell.

“I’ll see you at your place tomorrow, then,” he said, his hands in his coat pockets.

“I’ll be there.”

Kaoru frowned. “I do have a question—about how you think all this is going to work… Well, what about the rest of the band? I realize I may be getting ahead of myself even bringing it up, but would you be comfortable with them knowing about us? Would _they_ be uncomfortable—not that I give a fuck if my private life makes them uncomfortable…”

“Of course you don’t,” Shinya said. “But I’m fairly certain that they won’t have a problem with it.”

“Something tells me you have evidence to back that up,” Kaoru said, “and I probably don’t want to know how.”

“The other members are our friends. Of course they would support a relationship that makes us happy, just as we would support them.”

“No one really shares details of their love lives with me the way I suppose they do with you,” Kaoru said.

Shinya couldn’t quite tell if that fact made Kaoru sad, or if he cared at all.

Kaoru went on, “As far as I know, everyone is currently single, but the face you’re making tells me I’m wrong about that.”

“I believe they’ll share that information with you when they’re ready,” Shinya said. “You can’t ask for more than that.”

“It just makes me feel painfully unobservant.”

“You’ve been distracted with other things.”

Kaoru gave him a look. “You’re being overly generous again.” His look softened, then lingered, and all at once it was that same look Shinya had been noticing the past several weeks.

“I can afford to be,” Shinya said. He wasn’t sure whether he should comment on Kaoru’s look or not. Maybe there wasn’t really anything to say about it. “I should go catch my train.”

“Of course,” Kaoru said, with a slight shake of his head. “And—you know, thank you. For taking a chance on me, more than I’m willing to take on myself most of the time.”

“Call it faith,” Shinya said. “I believe we could be great together.”

“I like your faith.”

Rather than make Kaoru suffer through some uncertain goodnight hug, Shinya simply waved and headed off in the direction of his platform, already lost in thought, wondering what on earth he could cook for Kaoru the following night.


	5. Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, we're almost at the end of this now~

There were still legs tangled with his when Kyo woke in the morning from a nightmare, but he was too out of it to fully register why, and struggled to get out from under layers of warm blankets.

Strong arms wound around him. “Shh, shh, I’m here, I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

Kyo let out a breath and sagged back against Die’s chest.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

Kyo nodded.

“Wanna talk about it?”

When Kyo had woken up from nightmares with his ex, she had been irritated, even accusing him once of faking them for attention. He’d done what he could to hide them from her after that, usually locking himself in the bathroom until he’d calmed down.

But here was Die, calm and present, not asking Kyo to hide anything from him. Kyo didn’t know how long it would last, but he wanted to show Die how much he appreciated it while he could.

Nestling closer, he described what he could remember of his dream. “I fucked up—I don’t know how exactly, but I know it was my fault, and they—someone—were coming. For me, for my family… I was trying to hide, but I knew they would find me anyway, that my loved ones would die because of my mistake.”

There was a pause before Die said, “Jesus, your nightmares are dark.”

“I ever tell you about the one where I watched myself cough up all my blood and die?”

Die pulled him closer, kissed his neck, behind his ear. “No more of those. You’re awake and I’m here.”

Kyo closed his eyes and let Die’s words bounce around inside his head. It was true; Die was there and the nightmare that had seemed so real only minutes before was already distant and inconsequential. It didn’t matter nearly as much as Die’s lips pressed against the back of his neck. 

“Thank you for being here.”

“Mmm.” Die nipped at his earlobe. “I’m sorry I can’t make dreams like that go away completely, but I’m glad I can be here for you when you wake up from them.”

Kyo turned in Die’s arms, twisting so he could see his face. “Do you have nightmares, too?”

“Sometimes,” Die said. “I slept well next to you though. Nice dreams only.” He smiled, and threw a pointed glance down at his own body.

Kyo glanced down, too, found Die’s cock hard and pressed up against him. “Oh, I see. That kind of nice dreams.”

“That kind,” Die agreed. He leaned in to kiss Kyo’s lips, licked into his mouth in a way that was so casual it made Kyo dizzy. He was still smiling when he pulled back. “Is it bad if I want you?”

“I don’t think so,” Kyo said. “What time is it?”

Die groaned but stretched until he could reach his phone on the floor next to the bed. “Quarter past nine.”

“Do you have anywhere to be?”

Die shook his head. “All yours. You?”

“I have a sukekiyo meeting, but not until afternoon.”

“Hmph, with Yuchi?”

Kyo gave him a look. “This isn’t really going to be a thing, is it?”

“Probably not,” Die said. “But maybe a little. I’ll work on getting over it.”

“Do you need some reassurance that I only have eyes for you?”

“What did you have in mind?”

Instead of answering with words, Kyo just slid down under the covers until he could get his mouth on Die’s dick. He moaned at once at the salty taste of his precum, and Die echoed the sound up above him. He hadn’t gotten to go down on Die the night before, and in all his fantasies, this hadn’t ever been the way he imagined it happening, with Die already naked in his bed after a night spent comfortably together, but he wouldn’t have changed it for anything. 

He didn’t spend too long in any one spot, trying to just learn where Die was the most sensitive and memorize it. He knew he couldn’t get too carried away, with trying to take him too deep and wrecking his voice, but he still managed to wring a few moans from Die, stroking his cock with one hand, while he lapped at the head, using his tongue in a variety of ways.

Distantly, he became aware that Die was speaking, something about how he _hadn’t meant for Kyo to_ this, and _he shouldn’t feel obligated_ that. It wasn’t the kind of talking Kyo wanted to hear and he was much happier when it shifted into desperate cursing and pleading for Kyo to never stop what he was doing. 

It felt nice to be in control of Die’s pleasure, to sort of return the favor after everything Die had done last night. Kyo relished the way Die writhed under him, the jerk of his hips as he neared his peak. It was over much too soon, as Die pulled at Kyo’s hair and hissed a warning before emptying himself into Kyo’s mouth.

Kyo crawled back up, smiling contentedly and let Die tug him in close, peppering his face and neck with kisses. 

“You’re amazing,” Die murmured, and sighed against Kyo’s skin.

Kyo was about to say something snarky back, but for once he decided he didn’t need to. He nuzzled against Die’s hair (somehow still flawless and soft, even first thing in the morning), and shushed Die’s offers to pay him back for the blowjob, choosing instead to fall back asleep, to enjoy the peaceful closeness of Die for another hour or two.

When Kyo next awoke, he had a text from Shinya waiting for him, and his eyes went wide, seeing the notification.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he muttered to himself as he sat up, slowly remembering what he’d gone and blurted out to Die before they'd fallen asleep the first time.

“Wha’s wrong?” Die wondered sleepily, one arm wrapping around Kyo’s waist.

Kyo’s eyes skimmed the message and he breathed out heavily. “Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “Just Shinya texted me.”

“Shin-chan?” Die opened one eye. “What’s he—wait, didn’t you say something about him last night, too? What’s going on?”

“Well, he…” It felt strange talking about it, when it really wasn’t any of Kyo’s business, but at the same time, carrying around this secret was a lot of pressure, and if Shinya had said he really didn’t mind Kyo sharing it with Die… “He told me yesterday, he’s in love with Kaoru.”

“In _love_ with him?” Die said. “Not just that he likes him?”

Kyo thought about it. “No, he definitely used the word love.”

“Christ,” Die said. “That’s not what he told me.”

“He told you?”

“He said he was _interested_ , not that he _loved_ him,” Die explained. “But he said he was going to ask you for advice. So he did?”

Kyo was almost disappointed to find out that Shinya had gone to Die before him, but he wasn’t surprised, so he shrugged it off. “He did. He said he was planning on confessing, probably tomorrow after Kaoru’s recording session.”

“That’s so soon,” Die said. His arm was still around Kyo’s middle, and his fingers stroked idly along Kyo’s side. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“I don’t think it matters much what I think,” Kyo said.

“I guess not. I just don’t want Shinya to get hurt.”

“If he’s going to get hurt, it’ll happen whether he does it tomorrow or later,” Kyo said. “I don’t want it either, but if he’s got his heart set on telling Kaoru, he might as well do it when he wants to.”

Die smiled up at him. “You’re so supportive.”

“He’s supportive of us, too,” Kyo said. “He said he hopes for the best for us.”

“Sounds sincere.”

“It is, coming from Shinya.”

“I know,” Die said, still smiling. “I hope for that, too.”

“Sounds less sincere coming from you.”

“It’s not, though!” Die squeezed Kyo briefly. “I want to keep you for a long, long time.”

“I’d like that,” Kyo said, and bent to kiss Die’s forehead.

 

It was hard saying goodbye when Die finally left, lingering for kisses in the genkan until Kyo had to forcibly shove him out the front door; not because he wanted to, but because he was in danger of being late for his afternoon meeting.

He was used to seeing Die fairly regularly with band activities, but he wasn’t used to the feeling that that wasn’t enough. Letting Die leave his apartment without concrete plans for when they would next be together felt like some dire mistake, and he was relieved to receive a text message indicating that Die shared that feeling within an hour of his departure.

Naturally, a part of him still wondered if he knew what he was doing, if he was getting in too deep, too soon. It was kind of his way: Kyo would fall irrevocably for someone and commit himself to everything for them and only them as soon as humanly possible. Whether that was entirely healthy was another story.

His ex had taken full advantage of it, let him make grand scale decisions based around her with a smile on her face, even only a month or two into the relationship.

At least Kyo supposed he knew Die wouldn’t let him get away with much of that; their working together meant Kyo’s grand decisions might very well have an impact on Die too, and he was confident that Die had a greater sense of self-preservation than he himself did.

So he thought about Die, and he didn’t feel guilty. One was allowed to be excited about a new relationship, about being in love and having that love returned, about sex that was quite frankly mind-blowing.

Kyo was on the train headed to his meeting when his line of thought led him at last to reflect on the more intimate aspects of his and Die’s new relationship, and he found himself grateful for the mostly empty subway car as he felt a flush moving to his cheeks just from the thought.

He’d never been taken like that, never been _fucked_ , and honestly he hadn’t entirely known what to expect.

But here he was, still feeling it the next day; an ache and a soreness, from where he’d been stretched open, and all down his thighs. It was the best kind of ache imaginable, one that brought, with every shift of his body, the sense memory of Die driving into him. He’d never been so full, never even thought what that fullness would feel like, and now, having experienced it, he just wanted it back. Less than a day had passed and already he was yearning to be stuffed full of Die’s cock once again.

Kyo’s cheeks burned and he looked around the car as if someone might have heard the dirty words his brain was thinking so loudly. No one was paying him any mind.

If he closed his eyes and thought really hard, he could almost remember exactly how it felt to be full like that—

Which he realized he probably shouldn’t _try_ to do in public, ‘cause this kind of thinking already had him half-hard and people might think he was a pervert. And maybe he kinda was, but not one of those Creeps on a Train, so he forced himself to think the unsexiest thoughts he could come up with for the remainder of his commute. 

The thing was of course that it wasn’t just Die’s masterpiece of a dick that had Kyo thinking about him. It was that the whole night—up to, during, and after the sex—had made Kyo _happy_. And he could be a realist and say it wouldn’t always be like that; no relationship is happy _all_ the time. But the happiness of that moment shouldn’t be diminished by the potential unhappiness of the next.

The whole night he’d spent with Die, Kyo hadn’t been thinking of his ex, comparing and remembering, and it wasn’t because he’d finally _forgotten_ her, it was just like she’d finally become irrelevant. He didn’t need to think about her.

That observation worried Kyo somewhat, that maybe he was just using Die, distracting himself with a new subject to obsess over, but it didn’t feel like that when he and Die were together. There was so much connection, a presence, there together, _for_ each other, nothing one-sided or imbalanced about a second of it. Even apart from him, Kyo still felt that connection with Die, something strong and rooted within him, keeping him from doubting and analyzing and spiraling out of his mind. It was strange and new and Kyo hoped it would never fade.

Die already knew Kyo, _had_ known him, so there was little chance of him deciding arbitrarily down the line that Kyo was too sad to be worthy of his love, or too difficult to continue putting his efforts into. They might discover some other incompatibility, but surprisingly, Kyo didn’t feel he had to dwell on it. There were too many good things for him to focus on instead.

 

Kyo arrived to the meeting a good half hour early, still in an upbeat mood. He set his things down, got some coffee, and had just sat down to mess around on his phone while he waited for the meeting to start, when Yuchi came in, smiling and waving at Kyo.

“Hey, I’m running to the vending machine,” he said. “You want anything?”

Kyo held up his coffee. “I’m all right, thanks.”

The ten second interaction had Kyo snickering to himself, thinking how Die might be jealous over it. It was nice knowing it was a harmless type of jealousy, unlike how his ex had gotten bent out of shape anytime Kyo so much as _talked_ to another girl.

Still, Kyo thought he wouldn’t mind if Die was just a little bit possessive, if he even marked Kyo up a little, left love bites up his neck and across his shoulders, just to show everyone else who Kyo belonged to. The thought was more appealing than Kyo expected, and all at once he was excusing himself to the restroom, his pants uncomfortably tight.

Locking himself into a stall, Kyo let his head thunk back against the door and dropped his hand to palm at his cock through his jeans. 

He worked throughout the numbers mentally. He had maybe fifteen minutes until the meeting started, but there was no way he could sit there like this through the whole thing. Takumi was too observant to not notice something was up, even with a conference table keeping Kyo’s lower half hidden, and the knowledge that he might find himself in a highly embarrassing situation, with the eyes of a half-dozen people or more on him, would probably only excite Kyo further. Besides, he was positive he wouldn’t be able to focus on what was being said at the meeting.

So luckily he was pretty good at getting himself off quickly.

His mistake had been taking care of Die in the morning and leaving his own needs unattended. He should have known that he’d have to come back and deal with that sooner or later, and as a result he was stuck managing all by himself, with only minutes to spare before work.

He rushed to get his jeans open and a hand around himself. He wished it was Die’s hand, or that he had Die’s voice, whispering all kind of beautiful filth to him, telling him what to do. He had the thought that he could call Die right then, beg him to talk him through it, but he had no faith in his ability to keep quiet in a public bathroom if he had Die on the other end of the phone.

He did his best to just imagine the kinds of things Die might say to him instead.

It was easy to think about, Die telling him how good he looked and felt, praising him for the smallest things, and as Kyo stroked himself faster he knew it wouldn’t take long at all to bring himself off.

The hand that wasn’t busy stroking moved down to massage his balls and he fought back a groan, still trying not to call any attention to his inappropriate restroom activities. His fingers slipped further back, past his balls, over his taint, to trace the rim of his hole, still tender and a little puffy after its use the night before.

He didn’t have any lube so he wasn’t about to start fingering himself out of nowhere, but he couldn’t deny that the temptation was there. He wondered what he must look like, if his hole was pink, still stretched out. He had the thought that he could take a picture and send it to Die, but maybe that was a bit much after their one night together, and he was pretty busy with working his cock as best he could anyway.

Still, he gained speed, thinking about what Die’s reaction might be to a photo like that; if he’d blush, or touch himself, or call Kyo immediately and try to be with him, be _inside_ him again.

That was what Kyo wanted. For Die to be inside him. He was already addicted after one experience and it felt too good for him to even pretend he was ashamed.

The one good thing was he was sure he wouldn’t have to wait long. Now that he and Die had figured out what they wanted from each other, it was only a matter of time till they were together again, Die pinning him against a wall or throwing him down on a bed so he could fill him up with his cock.

The smallest of moans escaped Kyo and before he knew what was happening he was seizing up, and hurried to cup one hand over the head of his dick so his cum wouldn’t spatter all over the floor.

He made good time, and when he came out of the restroom, cleaned up and with his clothing once more arranged, he still had two whole minutes till the meeting, and felt far more relaxed and focused than he could have hoped for earlier. He shot a quick _Thinking of you_ text to Die, and silenced his phone before sliding it into his pocket just as the meeting began.

It was a straightforward meeting, and Kyo made it through without being too distracted. He still received a few comments about the strangeness of his mood, but that generally just meant people were pleasantly surprised to find him smiling more than usual.

Once again he knew it wouldn’t last, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t worth enjoying in the meantime. He said his goodbyes to the rest of the band, nodded when Yuchi said he’d text him later, and was already taking out his phone as he exited the conference room.

Die had texted him while his phone was on silent: _I’ve been thinking of you, too. Any chance I could see you again tonight?_

Oh, there was a 100% chance, Kyo thought, but he paused before he could type it. Was he rushing things? He didn’t want to fuck it all up with Die just because he was over eager…

He shook his head. If they had time now to spend together, they should take advantage of it while they could. With their schedules, it wouldn’t always be easy to make time for each other. He texted Die back at once, asking when and where they could meet.


	6. Saturday

Ten minutes to seven found Shinya staring at the pot on his portable burner in dismay. He’d really made his best effort, but it didn’t seem like the nabe he’d spent most of the evening working on was going to turn out as he had hoped. It would still be edible, but if he’d wanted to impress Kaoru with his cooking, that might be difficult at this point.

He’d had a hard enough time even settling on what to make. Five hours earlier, he’d been in a state of near panic, wondering why he’d ever told Kaoru he would cook for him in the first place.

After briefly entertaining the thought of ordering takeout and trying to pass it off as his own cooking, he’d ended up calling Die to ask for advice.

“Shinya!” Die’s voice was cheerful as it came across the line. “You’ll never guess who’s here with me!”

“I’ll only be surprised if it’s someone _other_ than Kyo.”

“Hmph,” Die said. “You’re no fun.”

“Yeah, way to be a bad sport, Shin,” Kyo’s voice added.

“What, am I on speakerphone right now?”

“You sure are! Why?” Die took on a more serious tone. “Is everything okay? Kyo can wait if you need to talk to me alone.”

Shinya appreciated Die’s consideration, but after thinking about it for a moment, decided he didn’t mind Kyo being there to contribute his own wisdom. The truth was just that he hadn’t been expecting both of them. It had been something of a bluff, saying that he wasn’t surprised to find Kyo there with Die; this was a lot of time for them to be spending together very quickly, and while he was glad that meant things were probably going well, he hoped they weren’t getting too carried away.

“Shinya? Is something wrong?” Die sounded even more worried, and Shinya realized he hadn’t replied to his question.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said hurriedly. “Of course I don’t mind talking to you and Kyo together.”

“So what’s the problem?” Kyo sounded less concerned, but Shinya could still tell he was being gentler than usual.

“Not necessarily a problem, exactly,” Shinya said. It felt like a rather embarrassing issue to explain with how big a deal they were making of it. “Just, you know, I talked to Kaoru.”

“You did!”

“Oh, Jesus, what did he say?”

“He actually only tried to turn me down a little bit,” Shinya said, “So it was better than it could have been. The _problem_ is that now we’re supposed to have our date today and I’m… struggling.”

Die and Kyo started talking over each other and Shinya found he appreciated how it lightened the mood.

“ _Today?_ ”

“That’s fast, Kao wastes no time, eh?”

“What are you guys doing?”

“Well,” Shinya said, “since we kind of had drinks together last night when I talked to him, we said we’d have dinner tonight, and I kind of… said I would cook.”

That got him just a few too many seconds of silence, and his heart sank.

“That—that sounds nice,” Die said at last. “What are you planning on making?”

“This is the first part of where I’m struggling,” Shinya said, gaze wandering around his kitchen again.

“You didn’t have something in mind?” Kyo’s skepticism was easily heard. “Why did you say you were gonna cook for him?”

“I don’t know, it just seemed like a good idea when I had to think quickly…”

“Okay, well, don’t worry,” Die said, reasonably. “This isn’t a complete disaster, we’ll just figure out something together that Kaoru would like to have cooked for him.”

“Nah, I’m not going to be part of this,” Kyo said. “I’m out.”

There was some indistinct muttering on their end of the line then, a few little sounds that Shinya couldn’t quite place, and then Kyo spoke again:

“I will help this time, but really, Shin, you shouldn’t get yourself into these situations.”

Between the three of them, based on what ingredients Shinya had readily available, they’d opted for a lazy type of nabe. It had been so cold lately that the hot soup would be comforting and delicious, and they could sit at the kotatsu in Shinya’s living room and enjoy it.

Kyo had grumbled a bit still, about Shinya trying to sell himself as a housewife, but for the most part he’d been supportive.

There hadn’t been any full-fledged disasters; it would have been hard to encounter a real crisis when mostly he was just chopping ingredients and adding them to the pot. It just hadn’t turned out exactly as Shinya had imagined it. He’d over-seasoned it somehow, so that it was too salty, and there was no way that Kaoru wouldn’t notice and comment on it. He’d never been one for excessive tact.

They could still have rice—the rice cooker hadn’t screwed that up—and maybe if they worked their way through the rest of the soup, the poor seasoning wouldn’t infect the rice, too. They could enjoy a nice, store-bought dessert, but that didn’t change how Shinya was dreading Kaoru’s feedback on his undesirable cooking.

He was still moping about it when the knock sounded at his front door, and Shinya paused only to adjust his hair before walking calmly to answer it.

Kaoru seemed to actually be dressed up. He was wearing a dark button-down shirt with a jacket over it, and his slacks were very nearly stylish. The overall effect had Shinya’s stomach swooping as he laid eyes on him and invited him inside.

“I think we need to talk,” Kaoru said as he came in. He hesitated in removing his shoes until Shinya set a pair of guest slippers in front of him and gave him an expectant look.

It didn’t strike Shinya as a good sign that the first thing Kaoru said upon arriving was that he wanted to _talk_ , but he was willing to reserve judgment until he heard what he had to say. He beckoned Kaoru further into the house, but he stayed put.

“I know I agreed to come for a dinner date, so it would have been impolite to not show up at all,” Kaoru began stiffly. “But I’m not sure I really thought this through.”

“How do you mean?” Shinya said, unsurprised.

“There’s simply no way to make this work,” Kaoru said. “And when I think what Kyo would say about bringing romance into the band…”

Shinya bit his tongue, and respectfully didn’t announce that Kyo was probably off buried balls-deep in their bandmate Die at that very moment. “Kyo already knows,” he said instead. “I spoke to him earlier today.”

Kaoru blinked a few times. “He… isn’t upset?”

“Did you want him to be? Perhaps only as an excuse?”

“I just don’t think—”

“Kaoru,” Shinya said, none too gently. “Come in and have dinner.”

Kaoru looked like he’d have liked to argue a bit longer, but he nodded mutely and followed Shinya into the spacious kitchen.

Shinya directed Kaoru to sit at the table and brought him a drink. “You look nice,” he commented.

“Oh, um thanks,” Kaoru said, self-consciously adjusting his jacket. “I was—Well, you look great, too. Of course.”

Shinya smiled, and sat down across from him. “Thank you. How has your day been?”

Kaoru eagerly accepted the opportunity to just speak casually, and started going on about the day’s activities, though in no great detail; music work at home, replying to emails, some sketching—“nothing to get excited over.”

It was all fairly standard, but Shinya loved watching him talk about it. Sure, it was fun to see Kaoru flustered and confused, but it was also nice to see him happy and comfortable, discussing his work and his interests. It was normal, and it felt like their lives could be like this, if they just let them be.

“So,” Kaoru said and cleared his throat. “Did you really cook?”

“Oh. Right.”

“If you didn’t, it’s all right,” Kaoru said quickly. “I don’t mind—we could go out, if you wanted to.”

That was an extremely tempting offer, especially when Shinya was aware of just how disappointing his home-cooked meal was likely to be, but he still had some amount of pride, and he’d promised Kaoru a night in for this, their second date.

“I did cook,” Shinya said. He got up without elaborating further, and brought the portable burner over to the table, along with the necessary dishes, sides, and condiments. Having been a professional musician for so much of his life, he knew better than to make excuses or try to warn Kaoru about his failed creation, and instead presented it as it was and waited on the inevitable judgment it would receive.

Obviously, Shinya ate too, and really it wasn’t as bad as it _could_ have been; it was just very obviously made by an amateur. If he’d had more time to prepare, he could have practiced different dishes until he perfected them, but that hadn’t been the situation and he just had to accept that.

All the same, in hopes of putting off hearing Kaoru’s negative reaction, Shinya found himself dominating the conversation, talking significantly more than was his custom, about his pets, and from there, naturally transitioning to an article he’d been reading about illegal trafficking of exotic animals and how irresponsible he thought people were, who were willing to endanger a living creature simply for the social status of acquiring an unusual “pet.”

Kaoru listened to him talk, only contributing when it made sense to, and ate his dinner without complaint. His eyes were usually on Shinya, that same mysterious look in them, like there was something he wasn’t saying.

It was only once they’d finished the rice that Shinya remembered they’d been supposed to sit around the kotatsu. Nothing was going as he’d planned. The ice cream he’d gotten for dessert had melted and refrozen strangely and was basically unservable. They probably should have gone out after all.

Shinya didn’t want to start apologizing in case it seemed like an invitation for Kaoru to point out everything wrong with the evening, so he just stopped talking altogether as he cleared the dishes from the table and topped off Kaoru’s drink.

“You’ve gotten quiet,” Kaoru said neutrally.

“I’m often quiet.”

Kaoru nodded, took a sip from his refilled glass. “It was nice though, seeing you open up a bit.”

“You could see that a lot more,” Shinya said. “What do you think?”

Kaoru didn’t answer, just stood up from the table and wandered into the living room. He took his time looking around and Shinya didn’t press him to return to his question. He simply stood in the doorway and watched.

After a while, Kaoru turned towards him. “Shinya, are you sure about this?”

It caught him off-guard. “I wouldn’t have asked you out if I wasn’t really interested.”

“But are you sure that it won’t hurt the band, that it’s something you want to see through?” Kaoru frowned. “I… have a hard time doing things casually, and I don’t want—”

“I don’t want something casual with you,” Shinya said. He crossed the room and set his hands gently on Kaoru’s shoulders. “We’ll have to see where this all takes us, but I’m prepared to find out together.”

He paused then, giving Kaoru plenty of time to speak, move away, or anything else, but when there was no protestation, Shinya leaned slowly in until his lips met Kaoru’s.

It took a second before Kaoru was tentatively returning the kiss, lips parting just slightly, as if he wanted to keep it respectful. One of his hands slid into Shinya’s hair, but it was soft, careful, rather than claiming or possessive. It was calm and intense, like Kaoru himself.

Shinya guided them until Kaoru bumped into the couch and sat down with a small sound of surprise. 

“Is this okay?” Shinya asked as he settled himself astride Kaoru’s thighs.

Kaoru just nodded, eyes focused on Shinya’s face.

“What is it?” Shinya leaned in and spoke into the space between their lips. “You keep looking at me like that.”

“Nothing,” Kaoru said, and put it out of Shinya’s mind by kissing him again, harder this time, his hands on Shinya’s waist, anchoring them.

Shinya had been sure that this evening wasn't go well, didn't think they would ever get to this point, and now Kaoru’s lips were on his neck and he was trying to retain enough brain function to think what he wanted. There were a couple different directions it could go. Obviously he wanted Kaoru, but with everything so new he hadn’t been _planning_ on having sex with him. Considering it at the moment though, he couldn’t say he’d mind.

Kaoru nuzzled against Shinya’s jaw. “What are we doing here?”

“Enjoying each other,” Shinya answered. He pulled back enough to peer at him. “Why, what are you thinking?”

Kaoru shook his head. “I’m fine with just enjoying. You feel good.”

“I… could make you feel good,” Shinya offered, nerves hitting harder once the words were out of his mouth.

Kaoru’s hands glided up and down his sides and then stopped. “I don’t want to rush things between us.”

“Neither do I.”

“But it feels strange to call anything rushing when we’ve known each other this long,” Kaoru said, looking at Shinya through his lashes. “Maybe the past twenty years is enough for us to get to know each other.”

Shinya bit his lip, thinking about it. That must have been what Die and Kyo had decided about things. To Shinya it had seemed like they were moving so fast, but in the grand scheme of things he supposed the pacing wasn’t as rapid as he thought.

Either way, Shinya found he didn’t mind. If Kaoru wanted to take the physical side of things slower, that was fine, and if he wanted to get right to it on this very couch, that was also acceptable. Shinya was in a place where he could help Kaoru’s needs be met on a schedule that was comfortable for him; he could afford that flexibility.

Taking a gamble, Shinya rolled his hips a little, and didn’t stop himself from smiling when Kaoru responded in kind. It could be that they were better at communicating like this, just the rhythm, the give and take, without all those words in the way, slowing things down and making them doubt themselves.

While he knew he wasn't particularly inarticulate, Shinya had to admit there were a lot of things that were easier than talking. He was quickly discovering that kissing Kaoru, while grinding in his lap, was one of them.

So perhaps it was slightly hypocritical that he still wanted some verbal reassurance rom Kaoru that this was what he wanted. And if he was honest, he wanted more than that. Kaoru had such a tendency to be closed-off and distant, reserved about the more tender of his feelings. It was understandable, especially when he’d been hurt before, but Shinya could help thinking how badly he wanted to see inside that constantly-working mind, find out some of those deeper thoughts that Kaoru kept hidden away.

He tried to content himself with touches, running his hands along Kaoru’s shoulders, down his arms. They were covered, so Shinya couldn’t see the tattoos there, couldn't appreciate the ink under his fingers, and he was frowning before he could regulate his expression.

Kaoru must have caught it because he stilled Shinya’s hands with his own and gave an inquiring little hum.

“I want to see you,” Shinya said simply.

Despite being clearly surprised, Kaoru complied in carefully removing his jacket and shirt, and Shinya held his breath as he was gifted with the sight of him.

It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before; throughout a career performing together Shinya had seen Kaoru in various states of undress more times than he could count. This was different, though. In all that time, Kaoru had never been one to show off his body like some other members of the band, and now here he was, trusting Shinya with everything, not to merely admire from afar, but to learn by touch, and it was hard for Shinya not to be greedy about it.

Kaoru was warm, but he shivered at even the most innocent of Shinya’s touches, and it made Shinya want to devour him.

When Shinya’s fingers brushed over a nipple, Kaoru made a punched-out noise, his whole body jerking, and Shinya raised an eyebrow, highly interested in exploring his sensitivity. Before spending much time there though, Shinya gave Kaoru a few more merciful kisses, let his hands wander and delve into Kaoru’s thick hair, until he was cradling his head lovingly. All the while, Kaoru showed no resistance, pliant and wide-eyed beneath Shinya. It was a good look on him.

The kisses heated back up as one hand returned to play with Kaoru’s chest, and Shinya ate up each moan that entered his mouth. 

When next they broke apart, Kaoru pulled away to look at Shinya’s face, saying breathlessly, “Could I see you, too?”

Shinya did hesitate at that. It wasn’t a full stop, but his movements slowed. He’d never thought of himself as exactly self-conscious about his body, but he was realistic in his perceptions of himself. He was thin, always had been, and had no real hopes of building some great muscle mass, even if that had been something in which he was interested. He knew his body type was not traditionally desirable, and couldn’t imagine what reason Kaoru might have for wanting to look at him.

And yet, as soon as Shinya’s shirt was off, Kaoru was staring at him in that same way, calculating and curious, and Shinya wanted to know what was behind it.

“You’re thinking something,” he said. He didn’t want to get to a point where Kaoru felt pestered by him asking over and over, but that look in Kaoru’s eyes was a big part of why Shinya had decided to make a move in the first place. He looked down at himself, wondering just what it was that Kaoru saw there.

“No, I…” Kaoru cleared his throat. “I didn’t actually tell you properly, but—thank you for dinner. It was delicious.”

Well, that was unexpected. Not only was it a non-sequitur, it was also pretty much inaccurate. Most likely years of smoking had decimated Kaoru’s sense of taste, which was actually rather sad.

Shinya replied, “You’re welcome. I’m glad you liked it,” because that was more polite.

“It’s been a while since someone took the time to cook for me,” Kaoru said.

It would have been a good time to offer to do it again, whenever Kaoru wanted, but Shinya didn’t feel he could do that in good conscience, when he was so aware of his personal limitations in the kitchen. So, although it wasn’t quite the correct response, Shinya opted to kiss Kaoru again, this time with their bare skin pressed together.

He went back to grinding down against Kaoru, enjoying the feeling of him beneath him. He might like Kaoru beneath him, even in the context of them taking their explorations a bit further.

Rather than voice such a suggestion, Shinya started kissing down Kaoru’s neck, biting harder here and there than was strictly necessary, just to hear the sweet sounds it elicited from Kaoru. He could feel how hard Kaoru had gotten, how he was arching into Shinya’s touches, pushing his hips up towards him in an eager but repressed gesture.

All of this helped Shinya to finally come to his decision to rise from the couch and offer a hand to Kaoru.

“Perhaps we should move this to the bedroom,” he said, with a steadiness to his voice that he hadn’t really expected.

For a long moment, Kaoru just stared at Shinya’s outstretched hand like he wasn’t going to move, but then he took it and got to his feet, kissing Shinya once more as soon as he could reach him.

Before Shinya could turn to head for the bedroom, he caught that look on Kaoru’s face again, and couldn’t ignore it. 

“ _What_?” he demanded.

“Nothing,” Kaoru said, looking embarrassed.

“Excuse me, but that is just untrue,” Shinya said. “I’ve seen you looking at me like that more and more over the past several weeks, and I want to know what it means. What are you thinking?”

Kaoru sighed then, long-suffering and dramatic. “ _Fine_ , it’s just—I think—I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you. I have been, for a while now, and sometimes, just looking at you… it’s hard to hide that feeling. So, there. Happy now?”

Shinya smiled and nodded, because yes, he really was. He held Kaoru’s hand as they made their way to his bedroom, secure in the knowledge that whatever this was the start of, there was love on both sides, and that was real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all there is for this one, folks!  
> As I said at the beginning, this was kind of an experiment, and overall ehhh, it wasn't my best work, okay, but sometimes I guess you've gotta try new things, and it's fun to do something a little bit different, right?  
> I'm hoping to start posting a new story sometime this week?? It's one that's been a long time coming, so I'm kind of excited to start sharing it with y'all, heh. Just more nonsense, you know. Thanks for reading, guys.


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